Archive for the ‘Pain’ Category

Burn Out

Posted: July 28, 2011 in Drugs & Rock n Roll, Humans, Pain, Personal, Rants

Well, shit y’all, if ya can’t just let it all hang out on yer own blog, then where can ya? 

Eh, I am gettin’ real crispy these days- ala my title there- tired as hell but sometimes wired as hell too- naturally- which is also kinda gettin’ to me.  I’ve been holding off on the back meds cause they destroy my stomach, but I had the serious desire to, oh, grind up and snort like six of ’em today (I resisted and succeeded in that resistance) not because the pain was so horrible, but because I am stressed out as fuck and at the same time bored out of my dang skull and seriously have just utterly overloaded on humans in so much that I really don’t actually wanna see too many of ’em at all these days.  Despite my ability to resist the dang pain killers that oh, sit on my desk daily and I really haven’t been taking because while my back hurts, I like what they do to my stomach even less…well,  I sure as heck wouldn’t mind my favorite illicit substance right now at all, I mean hell, if I ain’t gonna sleep, am gonna be sweating like nuts and grinding my teeth like crazy I might was well have a reason, and a reason I rather like a whole lot.   But yeah, complications there too, and am fuckin’ sick to death of complications of any and all kinds in my goddamn life.  Seems like I have had nothing but fuckin’ complications for the last three dang years of my life and while yeah, I have the occasional good day or not bad day- overall, I’ve had a real shitty run here and rather than getting older and wiser, I am getting older and colder.  Just getting spun out of my damn mind holds an almost irresistible appeal these days, cause frankly?  So much else simply doesn’t. 

I’m freakin’ tired.  And not just in a physical/mental lack of sleep way-but in all ways.  I am, simply put, right now?  Quite the Burn Out.  And yeah, sure enough, I still got some of those Little Things which usually help me in makin’ due, but even with me?  Sometimes little things just ain’t enough.  Hell, overall I even had a pretty decent day today.  Mellow hang out kinda day.  Got some sun, smoked some cigarettes, had some fun, nothing I really had to do cause shit that needed doing I did the day before- the kinda lazy, chill day most folk would call fair to midland- but in the overwhelming pile of suck, wreckage and bullshit I’ve been wading through for the last three years?  Even these mellow decent sorta days don’t do much to erase that whole older and colder, leaner and meaner feeling I got taking up residence in my soul.   And aside from today?  It’s been one of them weeks where the hits just keep comin’.  Had a friend of mine say he had to kick me outta his life cause well, I ain’t a good influence and he is trying to get his shit together- which hey, I get, and sure enough, the fella does need to get his dang shit together, and I am rooting for him to do so, and if cuttin’ me out helps in that, then hell yes, he should do it.  But, at the same time, one of those things that when yer not expecting it can hit you kinda strange.  Got smacked with a dang bill I sure as shit wasn’t expecting- and yeah, it can be handled but it means leaning down the lean already even more, and prolly parting with my comic collection cause well, parting with childish things in order to handle adult business is shit that sometimes you gotta do.  I gotta a couple folk I actually do like puttin’ me in situations or places where I gotta make damn hard choices and decisions cause how shit is -as is?  Makes me feel really off and uncomfortable and angsty and wrong – like not right in my own skin kinda levels of it- but I feel like I have had to do a lot of hard shit and already make a lot of hard calls and each time I do, well, damn, there’s another one.  And there is that older colder leaner and meaner part of me that just wants to say even to folk I like “fuck it, I’m done, I am gonna go get spun, and I don’t wanna hear shit about shit from anyone- just back off and leave me the fuck alone- better for everyone, really”…and I’d prolly be justified in doing so.  But I have put my fair share of hurt on various folks and done some pretty awful and shady shit myself, so I don’t know if I will listen to that older colder meaner and leaner part or not.  I prolly should, but hey, that part is one cold-blooded customer-even if it is usually right.

What I need is a goddamn vacation. From a shit ton of stuff, stress, strife, and society.  I need an actually good day, or a couple of ’em, where I ain’t gotta worry about anyone or anything other than me, and do right be me, and indulge me a little and not feel fucking guilty about it.  I need various folk to back the fuck off and realize nah, I ain’t always a rock and ffs, three years of shit, I’ve earned and deserve a goddamn break.  I have lost a lot. A ton of shit other fuckin’ people take for granted.  Sure, other folk certainly have it worse and harder, but I have done bled, in a whole lotta ways enough in the last few years, and I deserve to be freakin’ comfortable and content for a while.  I deserve to have some actually good days where I feel like I am grinnin’ and bein’ nice cause I actually want to and honestly feel that way inside, outside, and all over for real. 

Right now, in about a billion fuckin’ ways I am a Burn Out.  I need some time to scrape off the ash, by my rules and my way, cause that full-out older and colder meaner and leaner thing?  Not real pretty, and when that is the prevailing voice in my head?  Well, shit, no good comes of that, for anyone around me.  All this shit is itchy, and I deserve to feel comfortable in my own damn skin.

and ffs, if I am gonna grind my dang teeth this much and not sleep, I should so have a better and far more fun reason for doing so.

(and other assorted ramblings)

So, to start- some real life shit:  That second shot that hurt like the Devil?  It also worked.  I would say after two of ’em, my back is about 60% better than it was.  It still really hurts when it really hurts- but it really hurts less and overall is not so much of a downer.  I figure one, maybe two more, and it will prolly be as good as it gets.  The real annoyance now is- when I bother to take anything when it really hurts?  Well, painkillers do their job but damn to they cause havoc on the guts.  I prolly have lost 5-10 pounds simply because I have a hard time eating and keeping things down, or if a I do, well…er…then they don’t wanna process and leave the body as they should.  And fuck it,yeah, I am one of those people who is aware of what my body looks like and what my weight is- but kinda in the opposite way a lot of folk are.  For me, ideally in both form and function, I do best when I am between 100-110 pounds.  My normal balanced weight seems to be about 103.  I think I might, with my boots on and loaded pockets, weight about 95 right now.  Not thrilled, and being somewhat wiry and bony by nature- well, it don’t look right and I can tell. 

Aside from the physical shit, got other shit going on too.  Way more drama than I like at all.  One of my best friends, who I care about a whole lot and would do pretty much anything for- right now all we seem to do is fight and upset/piss each other off and its such a fucked up situation and its gotta change- but not sure how to pull that off and not sure if it can even be fixed/salvaged/whatever.  A couple of my other really good friends are all pissed off at eachother…one is freakin’ others out because they are a stressed out ball of misery who is personally bringing everyone down feeling wise, and via interaction with others always managing to come off wrong and like a self-important micromanaging jerk-but then very upset and complainy about situations of their own doing- and the others…either hair trigger tempers and no idea how to phrase shit civilized or soo shy they ain’t ever gonna talk about shit that is bothering ’em to anyone’s face.  Drama and angst all around which I don’t want or need at all for a variety of reasons- from I hate a lot of this drama or folk I like hurting and well, truly, these days this sorta thing truly doesn’t help me health wise at all.   But my friends are my friends, and even when I wanna choke them- I have their backs.  Scorpio Loyalty can be a damn killer.

Okay, moving on….while often it is prolly evident in a lot of what I do choose to talk about- from guns to drugs to the sex biz to a lot of other shit- I don’t ever actually blog about politics, in general or my own.  I mean, I have said I am a libertarian and I am- which hey, means automatic shitting on intentional or not….I love her to death but while reading over at Daisy’s she had a comment about thinking someone must have money and privilege and be a libertarian, and how you had to have 2 degrees to even be let in….which sure enough, I do in fact have 2 degrees (but you know, never saw a requirement for that when becoming one) and well, yeah, not so much with the other privilege or money.  In real life, a lot of my friends are right leaning or full on Republicans- many are libertarians like me, and yep, some are democrats of the most liberal sort.  My family?  ALL Republicans but ONE aunt  (none are rich however!) Here in blog land?  Most of my readers (not all, but most) well, tend to be very liberal- more so than I for certain- but yeah, sure enough, here in the Wide World of Blog; libertarians- all of ’em- get shit on and are assumed to be arrogant idiot wanna be intelligent big word using cold blooded snobs who are rolling in the good things of life and selfish as hell…

Hummm.   Cold blood maybe, and arrogant sometimes, but that other stuff?  Not so much.  Hell, I am a ton more conservative than a whole lotta people who apparently read and like this blog.  I mean heck- I don’t trust the government, or the legal system, and I think a shit ton of the social programs we have now in place to help people suck eggs and are abused by those using them.  I have a very…interesting….and prolly not popular…opinion on immigration.  I am pro-death penalty and harsher consequences for violent criminals.  And I puke every time I hear the words “gun control”.  I suspect there are folk out there who assume I have read “the Turner Diaries”  (Which I will say, I have not. )  Yet I think gay folk should be able to get married like het people, I think drugs should be legal, sex work decriminalized, I do not care what two of age and consenting people do in their bedrooms, our school system sucks, and everyone should be able to get medical care…. So yeah, being a libertarian ain’t about being an over educated wealthy better than thou snot.  It just fits best with my own personal politics, which are right leaning in some ways and very lefty in others.  And just like everyone I have reasons and experiences that have formed my thoughts on this. 

But yeah, that shit in mind there- it stuns me how So Many People will judgement call ya and think you are what you aren’t when you mention your politics.  Hell, Daisy knows I’m a cracker who, well, embraces the crackerness and is not exactly swimmin’ in the privilege and shit- but I am also a libertarian- so…eh, stereotypes piss me the fuck off in general I guess, and humans vex me.  I also don’t get judging a person solely by their politics.  Hell, two of my good friends. brothers, who grew up poor and wild in Buffalo NY have grown up and become Tea Party types- I shit you not.  Do I agree with them politically?  Uh no.  Do I still like them and enjoy their company and have fun with them- even when we do argue politics?  Hell yeah.  They are good hard working fellas who are funny and always willing to lend a hand if needed and I have known them for years….so the fact that they are heavy duty church going types who think Palin is awesome is not gonna change my overall opinion of them. 

And since I am already off on politics and humans and such, I am just gonna go ahead and say it.  Politically Correct and stuff:  SNerk.  Okay, a while back I heard some celebrity (who is a giant hypocrite) say the Last Bastion of Acceptable Making Fun of was fat people.  This is bullshit.  Yes, fat people get made fun of an it is wrong, but by in large people are becoming more sensitive to overweight people and their feelings.  Just as now it is unacceptable and can have serious ramifications to be openly racist, or anti gay, or religiously intolerant, or grossly sexist, or all of those other PC things, it is also becoming unbecoming to be fat phobic.  Tolerance of all people, in all shapes and sizes and of all colors and religions is- well, hell, turn on your TV- its a hot topic and forefront social issue.  However, there is still one Group of People it is totally good, funny, fine entertainment, edgy and cool to make fun of.  And that group is “those people” -ala my tag.  Poor white folk, hillbillies, hicks, rednecks, white trash, whatever.  It is still Totally Okay and Awesome to make fun and assume about them as often as much and as loudly as You Like.  You can hit them with everything!  Accusations of racism, low intelligence, crime, drug usage, inbreeding, violence, bad fashion sense, bad accents, low morals, lack of ambition and productivity, utter lack of character, and being a few steps behind on the evolutionary ladder.  All of that is fair game, funny, and all good in whole lot of peoples books.  People who would never, for a variety of reasons – from knowing it is wrong to fearing it would get their asses beaten- never ever ever throw out a racist epitaph, make a rude gay joke, call someone an unkind religious slur, fat bash, or any of that other stuff will still, gladly and thinking it is funny, trash on “those people”.  So, the two-face hypocrite celebrity who said this, and anyone else who agrees with her are either stupid or being willfully ignorant  (and see, it would be okay for someone to call my cracker ass ignorant, cause well, I’m one of those people!) because the simple fact is- while all other isms are unsavory and not politically correct, classism and stereotypes and hate is still totally acceptable, funny and fine- so long as it is thrown at the Right People.

So, what did I do today?

Posted: June 30, 2011 in Awesome, Pain

Got up and went to the doc, who did another eipdural shot, but this time with the x-ray thing so he could REALLY see what he is doing….I think I like it better when he can’t.  That fuckin’ thing hurt, cramped up my leg, and well, STILL with the ow here…

But then, I got to do something cool.  What cool you ask?  Well, I got to go see President Obama leave the White House on Marine One…

Yep, this photo was taken with my Droid…

  So yeah, this is me recognizing the privilege I just had to do something that cool, the kinda thing most folk will never get to see up close like that.  It was really pretty neat to get to do that, even if my back DID hurt like heck the whole time.  I have some more photos, better ones even on my real camera, and I will post em soon enough, but yep, that’s what I did today- medical  ick followed by some serious most people will never get to do/see cool.

So, went to my doc on  Friday…

VERDICT IS…

MORE FUCKING SHOTS.

This is the part where, internally, I plead…oh ffs, just fucking cut me open again!  KNIVES before NEEDLES, PLEASE…

but no…seems, no surgery to make things as right as they are ever gonna get without needles first…gotta soften up all that fucking tissue before slicing into it again…

Okay, I get it, I  know I am a hard person….but shit, couldn’t my neck buck the damn system???

Good thing I am used to the magic stabby game…and guess what?  This time?  NO pain killers!!!!

GAHHHHH!

Posted: February 22, 2010 in Pain

First, for humor value…Ren as GOTH, and not goggled camo CYBER GOTH!

Dude, check it, I am GOTH AS HELL!!!!

oh, and the necklace?

WWWRHD….

(what would Wolf Ram&Heart Do?) If you get it, you ROCK!!!

Actually, I am SOOO not pale enough….

In any event…I am ill, I have a 101 fever, I have a goddamn stress/sinus migraine  ( a new one for me)….

AND…they are cutting my neck open for surgery (one of one to three) on March 11th.  Now, sure, I realize I cannot die, but this still wigs me out a bit  (scalpel IN my neck…WTF?!?!)

Send me good mojo on 3/11…if you cannot do that, I really DO want an AK47….

Things That Are Criminal-

Posted: February 2, 2010 in Pain

Letting a fine ride like this rust and rot out in the snow.  I wish I knew who owned it so I could rescue it from such abuse!

As Promised…

Posted: January 22, 2010 in Pain, Personal, Uncategorized

You know, there has been a lot of talk about privilege here lately….you know what?  I, nihilist, am very privileged.  Wanna know why?

I’m alive.  And maybe i shouldn’t be.  Y’all have heard me talk about “the burns” and “magic stabby game”…well here, I have something to show you….

Then  (july 2008)

Now:

That is over a years worth of shots, debraiding, skin treatments, and pain…with a major neck surgery still on the table.  Yeah, those are my oozing, melted, scary tendons and flesh you do see there,  yeah, those are bloody rips you see in my face, yeah, those are my burned nasal passages you see…and then that, via my mad cool doc, is how I look now.  Kinda amazing, isn’t it?  And thats before she cuts me open again….(yah, still some internal/external damage).

So yeah, you know, I am privileged to be ALIVE.  True enough, some days, after that, I feel un-killable, but yes, I know I am lucky.

And you know…when people ask me…why do you fight, why do you laugh at the world and everything (good, bad, sane or stupid) in it….hell, why do you go with that whole upbeat acceptance of meaninglessness…

Why?

Well, that shit taught me to enjoy the little things, because you know, I could be dead.  It is also a reason I smirk when people act all tough with me and assume I know nothing about pain or suffering.

Funny that.  Hell, the last year +, I probably learned more about physical pain than most people figure out in a life time.

Kim is Right…

Posted: October 2, 2009 in Pain

About that Bastard, Death. 

It’s been a long, hard last 24+ hours around Casa del Evolution.  Full of suck and lame, sad and mad, worn out and beat down and Christ this shit ain’t fair.

Death, yep, (s)he is a right bastard.  Only good thing about the whole deal is one, Oz isn’t in any pain and two, well, shit like this does remind me that whole bunch of people out there?  They don’t suck. 

‘Night Ozzy- we’ll miss you.

Dear Universe, Fuck You.

Posted: October 1, 2009 in Pain, Sharon & Oz

So, less than 24 hours ago I had an awesome, cute, cool kitten named Ozzy.

I don’t anymore.  The vet from the cat ER called at about 7 am this morning, I of course was awake still, and well…they had done everything they could, and no dice.  Then, as they do around these parts, the autopsied to make sure rabies was not the issue.  It wasn’t.  His intestines were just wired wrong, and well, it killed him.   So I have lost a cool kitten, his sister is looking for him, I am staring at a 1500$ vet bill that I really fucking cannot pay, and Mr.E is a fucking mess about it…and of course, I have to be the strong one…and I have to worry about if the same thing will happen with the female from the same litter  (who has been renamed because a Sharon without an Ozzy seems wrong.  She’s Raven now…not my name choice, but okay).

And  yep, I am pretty fucked up about it.  Can’t even really cry about it because hell, I have been awake for too goddamn long and still have to figure out how I am going to pay for the whole nasty deal.  I have to try and help Mr.E not crack up about it.  I have to reassure Sharon/Raven that yep, there are humans here that love her and pet her and think she is awesome even thou her brother is gone…

And I just want to crawl off somewhere and pretend that none of this shit happens and I don’t have to deal with it, and I want to shoot a fucking god or whatever else that lets shit like this happen and I wonder what the fuck I ever did that has turned my life into complete shit in almost every possible fucking way.

I am sad, and I am fucking angry, and I feel so dead it is not even remotely amusing to even me and I just want to burn something to the ground and start over.  I am sitting here asking friends for goddamn money for my deceased cat because all I wanted to do was save him and gee, that shit costs money,  and trying to figure out (literally) who I am gonna have to fuck to get the rest when the LAST thing I feel like doing is working and pretending I like or give a shit about the people I am gonna have to get naked for / fuck to get the money to pay for my poor dead cat’s medical bills. 

That’s right, Comedian, the Joke is on Us, and it isn’t funny.