Archive for the ‘Drugs & Rock n Roll’ Category

I have a few:


#1:  Pink Floyd, The Wall  – sorry, its true, ya don’t like?  Fuck you  🙂

#2: Siousxsie & The Banshees, Juju

#3: NIN, Year Zero

# 4: Korn, Issues

#5: Ozzy, Bark at the Moon  (sorry, its an inner werewolf thing  lol)

#6: Duran Duran, Duran Duran

and I can listen to Johnny Cash and/or Led Zepplin  ALL DAY, EVERY DAY.  (Ask Shen)


So, what are your essentials?

Burn Out

Posted: July 28, 2011 in Drugs & Rock n Roll, Humans, Pain, Personal, Rants

Well, shit y’all, if ya can’t just let it all hang out on yer own blog, then where can ya? 

Eh, I am gettin’ real crispy these days- ala my title there- tired as hell but sometimes wired as hell too- naturally- which is also kinda gettin’ to me.  I’ve been holding off on the back meds cause they destroy my stomach, but I had the serious desire to, oh, grind up and snort like six of ’em today (I resisted and succeeded in that resistance) not because the pain was so horrible, but because I am stressed out as fuck and at the same time bored out of my dang skull and seriously have just utterly overloaded on humans in so much that I really don’t actually wanna see too many of ’em at all these days.  Despite my ability to resist the dang pain killers that oh, sit on my desk daily and I really haven’t been taking because while my back hurts, I like what they do to my stomach even less…well,  I sure as heck wouldn’t mind my favorite illicit substance right now at all, I mean hell, if I ain’t gonna sleep, am gonna be sweating like nuts and grinding my teeth like crazy I might was well have a reason, and a reason I rather like a whole lot.   But yeah, complications there too, and am fuckin’ sick to death of complications of any and all kinds in my goddamn life.  Seems like I have had nothing but fuckin’ complications for the last three dang years of my life and while yeah, I have the occasional good day or not bad day- overall, I’ve had a real shitty run here and rather than getting older and wiser, I am getting older and colder.  Just getting spun out of my damn mind holds an almost irresistible appeal these days, cause frankly?  So much else simply doesn’t. 

I’m freakin’ tired.  And not just in a physical/mental lack of sleep way-but in all ways.  I am, simply put, right now?  Quite the Burn Out.  And yeah, sure enough, I still got some of those Little Things which usually help me in makin’ due, but even with me?  Sometimes little things just ain’t enough.  Hell, overall I even had a pretty decent day today.  Mellow hang out kinda day.  Got some sun, smoked some cigarettes, had some fun, nothing I really had to do cause shit that needed doing I did the day before- the kinda lazy, chill day most folk would call fair to midland- but in the overwhelming pile of suck, wreckage and bullshit I’ve been wading through for the last three years?  Even these mellow decent sorta days don’t do much to erase that whole older and colder, leaner and meaner feeling I got taking up residence in my soul.   And aside from today?  It’s been one of them weeks where the hits just keep comin’.  Had a friend of mine say he had to kick me outta his life cause well, I ain’t a good influence and he is trying to get his shit together- which hey, I get, and sure enough, the fella does need to get his dang shit together, and I am rooting for him to do so, and if cuttin’ me out helps in that, then hell yes, he should do it.  But, at the same time, one of those things that when yer not expecting it can hit you kinda strange.  Got smacked with a dang bill I sure as shit wasn’t expecting- and yeah, it can be handled but it means leaning down the lean already even more, and prolly parting with my comic collection cause well, parting with childish things in order to handle adult business is shit that sometimes you gotta do.  I gotta a couple folk I actually do like puttin’ me in situations or places where I gotta make damn hard choices and decisions cause how shit is -as is?  Makes me feel really off and uncomfortable and angsty and wrong – like not right in my own skin kinda levels of it- but I feel like I have had to do a lot of hard shit and already make a lot of hard calls and each time I do, well, damn, there’s another one.  And there is that older colder leaner and meaner part of me that just wants to say even to folk I like “fuck it, I’m done, I am gonna go get spun, and I don’t wanna hear shit about shit from anyone- just back off and leave me the fuck alone- better for everyone, really”…and I’d prolly be justified in doing so.  But I have put my fair share of hurt on various folks and done some pretty awful and shady shit myself, so I don’t know if I will listen to that older colder meaner and leaner part or not.  I prolly should, but hey, that part is one cold-blooded customer-even if it is usually right.

What I need is a goddamn vacation. From a shit ton of stuff, stress, strife, and society.  I need an actually good day, or a couple of ’em, where I ain’t gotta worry about anyone or anything other than me, and do right be me, and indulge me a little and not feel fucking guilty about it.  I need various folk to back the fuck off and realize nah, I ain’t always a rock and ffs, three years of shit, I’ve earned and deserve a goddamn break.  I have lost a lot. A ton of shit other fuckin’ people take for granted.  Sure, other folk certainly have it worse and harder, but I have done bled, in a whole lotta ways enough in the last few years, and I deserve to be freakin’ comfortable and content for a while.  I deserve to have some actually good days where I feel like I am grinnin’ and bein’ nice cause I actually want to and honestly feel that way inside, outside, and all over for real. 

Right now, in about a billion fuckin’ ways I am a Burn Out.  I need some time to scrape off the ash, by my rules and my way, cause that full-out older and colder meaner and leaner thing?  Not real pretty, and when that is the prevailing voice in my head?  Well, shit, no good comes of that, for anyone around me.  All this shit is itchy, and I deserve to feel comfortable in my own damn skin.

and ffs, if I am gonna grind my dang teeth this much and not sleep, I should so have a better and far more fun reason for doing so.

Funny thing is…

Posted: April 5, 2011 in Drugs & Rock n Roll

I am like this when I am STONE COLD SOBER:

If you’re vacuuming at 6am, you might be a tweaker
If you have more than one disabled vehicle in your yard, you might be a tweaker
If your desk drawer has not one intact Bic pen in it, you might be a tweaker
If you buy Reynolds wrap in bulk, you might be a tweaker
If people love your goth eyemake up, and you’re not wearing any, you might be a tweaker
If you are asked to pick up ice for the BBQ and you have to make phone calls, you might be a tweaker
If someone says “paranoid” and you get defensive, you might be a tweaker
If your 4 main food groups are nothing, nothing, nothing, and Snickers, you might be a tweaker
If you wax and  then spend hours using tweezers on the missed spots, until you realize have no body hair left, you might be a tweaker
If you make fun of people for sleeping, you might be a tweaker
If you have ever spraypainted anything, ever, because, you might be a tweaker
If you like bad dreams like a good scary movie, you might be a tweaker
If you think a good friday night out is a home depot run, you might be a tweaker.
If you are amazed at all the “good %+!%” people throw away, you might be a tweaker
If you shop at Wal-Mart at 3 AM because “it is less crowded”, you might be a tweaker
If it takes you three hours to get somewhere it should have taken 10 minutes to reach, you might be a tweaker
If you go to a friend’s house and start washing their dishes, you might be a tweaker
If you think going hunting at 3 am is a great idea, you might be a tweaker
If you have a tackle box full of beads and  %+!% to dig around in, and you never leave home without it, you might be a tweaker.
If you stay up all night gettin spun and you are still late for events of the next day, you might be a tweaker
If the first thing you do when you get into your hotel room is take apart the bed and put the matress over the window and the springs infront of the door, you might be a tweaker
If you say that nothing good happens after midnight, yet you are still out and about, you might be a tweaker
If you wake up in your car in the middle of nowhere and think “how long have I been asleep?”, you might be a tweaker
If your porn is alphabetically organized and sorted by genre, you might be a tweaker
If you can’t remember for the life of you what day it is, you might be a tweaker
If your house is cleaner than you are, you might be a tweaker.
If you watch t.v. and start to pick out the people that you JUST KNOW do dope, you might be a tweaker
If you know how to rig a trip wire to a shotgun, and think its a good idea to have one on every door in your house, you might be a tweaker
If you’re the one in the store with the cart upside down fixing the wheels, you might be a tweaker. 
If your freinds know giving you a line and a bottle of 409 is cheaper than hiring a maid service, you might be a tweaker.

+if you are reading this on a four way split screen so you can also see the security monitors you have pointed on your door, your back yard, and your neighbors house?  You might be a tweaker….

Name your Poison

Posted: March 15, 2011 in Drugs & Rock n Roll, Personal

So, I did a lot of thinking before I decided to write this post…been sorta waiting around for input from folks I’d asked opinions of and shit like that, but I ain’t heard back and am tired of waiting around for responses that may or may not ever come…which is a whole different rant in the making I suppose.  I dunno, when folk solicit my opinion or advice about something they want to write, I try to get back to them in a timely fashion…hell, I try to be timely and responsible in general…but I gotta stop holding other folk to the standards I try to keep up myself, ’cause that shit just lends itself to being disappointed…and shit, currently due to my dang back, I can’t be as active or timely or whatever as I’d like to be…so I suppose the same shit happens to other people too.

Anyway, moving on, let’s talk some more about drugs, shall we?  The reason I agonized and thought long and hard about making this post at all is because hey, I’m gonna discuss my own shit here, which may explain to some degree my opinions on my other drug posts!  Imagine that?  In any event, here we go, drugs and such, through the personal lense and all that.

In my day, I have done my fair share of them.  It’s kinda funny because I did not do anything, including drinking and smoking cigarettes and whatnot, until I was in college.  That’s right, no booze, no weed, none of that craziness until I was pretty dang close to legal.  Heck, one of my grin and say it sayings has been “there is a time and a place for everything, and it is called college” for a long time.  Once in college, and for a few years after that, I tried and did a lot of shit…the kind of experimentation I think a lot of late teen to mid-twenties types do.  I smoked weed, tried things like acid, ecstasy and mushrooms, I drank, tried coke, did speed, smoked opium once, and even one and one time only, tried heroin.  And I can tell ya, I had no desire to ever try that shit again.  As I got older my curiosity about anything and everything faded, I’d tried a lot of shit and figured out what I liked, and I learned that the stuff I liked?  Well, best to be careful with it, because I liked it…and liking any drug too much is just asking for trouble.  I’ve known, I know, I’ve seen, and I see enough folk who were addicts, or addicts, or struggle endlessly with addiction to know that it’s not a place I ever want to find myself.  That doesn’t mean however that I did not occasionally use drugs casually, and sure enough, I still do from time to time.  Heck, I’m on prescribed pain killers currently (which can be fun, but you know, I have those for a reason-that reason being pain) but sometimes, life calls for a little something extra or different…and sure enough, I will occasionally allow myself that.

So yeah, what is that extra I sometimes allow myself anyway?  I’m sure friends and foes alike are dying to know and shit (heh).  Once in a long, long while I will smoke weed, but it’s not now nor has it ever been my thing.  I think I last took acid about 12 years ago…been longer since I had ecstasy or almost everything else really.  But when I do indulge, well, like all folk who use-occasionally or more than occasionally-  I have my favorite.  And you can cringe or whatever if you want, but yep, sure enough, I like speed, and my favorite form there of, well, yeah, its meth.  I like it.   I rarely do it because I like it, but if I’m going to use something…that will be it.  Heck, there is a reason I can write convincing fiction about people who use it…because I know how it is when you do…from the sweating to the teeth grinding to everything else.

And yes, I do realize the oddity of it all;  I’m by nature a tightly wound, insomnia having, teeth grinding, overly wired wee ball of C4 in a skinsuit…in short the last person on earth who should like or want to do any kind of speed, much less that kind…but well, I do.

And before anyone says shit, no, I never used it when working, actually.  Being a sweaty teeth grinding jittery ball of tweeker joy is NOT good for business in my business…if I’m gonna do it, I prefer to be in my basement with my television and power tools and computer and lots of soda and cigarettes, thanks!

So why did I decide to Name My Poison anyway?  I guess cause I feel like if I am gonna talk about drugs, I might as well talk about them. As for people who are gonna lie and talk shit?  Well, can’t stop them from doing it anyway, so who really gives a fuck, right?

And nah, I don’t mean of whiskey!

So, odd question here for the folks playing along at home, and going on back to the drug topic now….when folk you know, or heck, strangers, ask you if you use drugs or what kinds of drugs you use, do you fess up, lie, or uphold your right to not self-incriminate?  Does it depend on the person or setting?  Does it depend on the drug – as in, you will admit to smoking weed but not admit that hey, when the weekend rolls around and the mood hits ya, you might not be adverse to a bit of blow or some special mushrooms?  How do y’all handle questions and discussions about your own personal useage…if you use at all?

Also, how do you apply the concept of strata to drugs, drug use, and drug users?  Do you have a ranking system as for what is acceptable, what is tolerated, and what is outta the dang question?  Do you view people differently because of the drugs they do- for instance, does a person who smokes weed a couple times every day stack up differently in your head to a person who parties up with coke, X (E), or Special K on the weekends?  Do certain sorts of drugs or drug users scare, shock, offend you more than others?  Talk to me here people, I get curious about this kinda shit.

With me, it is a very “depends on” kinda situation.   Mostly cause people can be assholes.  Previous bloggy experience has proven to me that folk will assume (correctly or incorrectly) any gal who is now or has ever been a stripper or whatever has GOT to be a drug addict, and with those folk, a gal in that business who says “yeah, I’ve been known to smoke some weed with my friends now and then” suddenly equals a poor desperate soul in the business to pay for her crushing heroin addiction (rolls eyes).   This always sorta amused me because I am pretty certain a lot of the folk who are so quick to accuse gals in the sex biz of being addicts have prolly smoked more pot or consumed more booze or done more kinds of whatever than I have, let alone other women in the business of bein’ naked….but they, of course, do not have “drug problems”….

I also, personally, find the caste system of users interesting: In my head, an addict is an addict.  Doesn’t much matter what the drug is, if it is legal or not, so on, so forth…if one is an addict, one is an addict.  And yes, depending on the person and their addiction, well, some can be a shit ton more unpleasant to deal with than others for certain (heh, you put a pot head with no weed in the same room with a cigarette smoker with no smokes and I can pretty much promise the person jonesing for the legal drug is gonna be far more hostile and scary than the person lacking the illegal one…).  But I have found this sorta stratification happens to people who are not addicts too.  I mean, it seems to me that folk who are even just casual, even very casual, users of various drugs get classified and looked at very differently by a lot of people.  To me it’s never made much of a difference or rated a different reaction out of me.  I mean, if I know two people are casual users of whatever, and one says they occasionally smoke weed and one says they occasionally smoke crack…I pretty much consider them to be the same thing:  casual drug users.  With other folk, this is not so.  If you are one of the Not So folk and you don’t mind explaining why, I’d love to hear it…

And on that note, I will myself to ingest no caffeine at this hour ’cause I do wanna sleep eventually!

Another Hit…

Posted: March 7, 2011 in Drugs & Rock n Roll

So I suppose as I sit here typing away on the beginning of my second post about drugs its kinda ironic that I’m watching “Intervention”, but well, yeah, I am…I admit it, Iwatch the show.  Look at me funny all ya want, I do.  Anyway, as “Intervention” goes on in the background I am gonna share my answer to what to do about all the legal issues and what not surrounding drugs.  My solution?  Get ready for it:  Decriminalize all that shit.  Yep, you heard me right…not just weed, but ALL of it.  Too much money is spent on the stupid can’t ever be won “war on drugs” and too many pretty harmless people who oh, do drugs, are sitting in prison when we got rapists and murders doing less time.  And yeah I hear you now…but Ren…but before you but Ren me, hear me out…the dope fiend that steals your car stereo for drug money?  Um, theft is still theft.  DUI is still DUI.  All those crimes that folk on drugs may commit to get those drugs…still crimes…but hell, locking people up for doing drugs?  Pfft.  Freakin’ stupid.  And locking people up for selling drugs?  Yeah, we’ve done a great job on that one too..and keeping all that drug shit illegal?  Hummm, hasn’t stopped people from doing drugs either now, has it?  So yeah…IMHO, drugs should be a legal non-issue.  I’m not saying legalize drugs, but yeah…you get the idea.

The simple thruth is, after all, people who want or need to use drugs are gonna do so, legal or not.  And a whole lotta money is spent to…not keep people from buying, selling, or doing drugs.  A whole lotta time and money is spent locking up people who are, well, rather harmless drug users.  Do some users lie, cheat, steal, do violent things?  Yeah, they do.  Do bad things sometimes happen to people who use drugs?  Yeah, they do.  Do bad things happen to a lot of folk who are around people who do drugs?  Yeah, that too.  But see, harsh laws on the using of drugs themselves doesn’t do much to change that now, does it?

Heck, my feelings on drug use are a lot like they are on a great many other fronts:  what adult people do in their own houses so long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else is their own dang business…and not anyone elses.  Non-Adult people doing drugs, or adult people doing them in a way that screws with other people…eh, my feelings are different there.  But that my friends may be another post…

Because people who don’t often bother to read fuck all I say are around and hey, maybe since there is drama here they might, and well, because I am sick o’ drama and have a twisted sense of humor, I now totally change the subject and proudly present:

The Difference Between a Pot Head & A Drug User
Ren & Friends, Circa 1995 or so…and ammended over time…

Pot Heads, well, a lot of them ONLY smoke pot.  Drug Users, while all have their preferences, use drugs, plural.
Pot Heads tend to be mellow, they like to chill.  Drug Users tend to be a bit more intense, active, and tightly wound.
Pot Heads often think they are better than drug users…they are (or at least think they are, esp when stoned) more intelligent, of higher class and status, than Drug Users.
Pot Heads often veiw their smoking as a social activity (even if they are hardcore smokers who are, gee, addicted), and tend to be very good about sharing what they have with others, or everyone putting shit from their stash into the community bowl.  Drug Users often do not like to share, do not play well with others, and know EXACTLY how much of  whatever they have put in, and exactly how much others are contributing…and they take that shit seriously and make very detailed notes about who is greedy, who mooches, and who is asking for a handout… Pot Heads share their shit, Drug Users?  It’s THEIR shit, and woebetied the fucker who gets up in and over indulges in THEIR shit!
Pot Heads dislike conflict and are rarely wired up or violent.  Drug Users will throw down faster than a Pot Head can spark up, tend to always be wired up, and can be very violent.
If one Pot Head is holding another Pot Head’s stash, it is considered standard for the holder to take a holding fee, right outta the stash.  If a Drug User is even not paranoid to let another Drug User hold their shit, they give up the holding fee up front and will damn well know if any of their shit is missing!
Pot Heads often do not like being around Drug Users, Drug Users get annoyed around pot heads.
Pot Heads are munchy and dont mind a bit of a mess about the house.  Drug users rarely eat and may even clean compulsively.
Pot Heads Wake and Bake, Drug Users Crash and Burn.
Pot Decorum dictates that one, after purchasing their ganja, smokes up with their dealer.  Drug Users take their shit and GO!
Its okay to make sudden moves around and approach Pot Heads, doing so with Drug Users may be dangerous.
Pot Heads get pudgy, Drug Users get lean.
Pot Heads tend to be Liberals, Drug Users fall all over the spectrum.
Both can be paranoid as fuck.
Pot Heads are snobs, Drug Users know Pot Heads are just drug users too!

I’ve also noticed the class race and gender type stereotypes that lurk around those who do drugs and are part of that culture, some are amusing even, but most of em…eh…about as useful as stereotypes tend to be…so here we go…

Rich people do coke.
Rich White Ladies do valium and booze.
Poor White Folk do Meth.
Poor Black Folk do Crack.
(Apparently, Asian people do not do drugs at all!)
Tortured Artists do Heroin.
Only women get addicted to pain killers.  (snerk, hello Rush, this one came from you, didn’t it?)
Everyone smokes pot, or has at least tried it, and inhaled.
Only in big cities with hardcore party people do you find true speedballs.
The mating cry in rural communities across the US is to shake a Xanax bottle and say “Come and get it!”
Dudes who do drugs are addicts, users, junkies or -insert name of drug here- heads…gals always get the lovely honor of being called “-insert name of drug here-whores”  (Pfft, like DUDES never oh, suck dick for money to buy drugs?  WTF?!?!?!?)
ALL people who do drugs will end up addicts.

This will prolly at some point lead on to another drug post, but for now….well, the first one’s free  😉