I liked this post.

Posted: April 10, 2012 in Blogging, Humans

Hugo has a post up about how he has dealt with if not his full out personality disorder, personality flaw.  I found it interesting cause well, a lot of folk I know, myself included, deal with similar things on a daily basis and while all of us might have different “quirks” going on and different ways of dealing with them (some good ways, some not so good), it is something we deal with pretty much daily in order to function, and heck, better than function-be a part of- like for real- the rest of the world around us.  Which can honestly be on some days a full time job.  Now, I say this as an antisocial type.  That was my big ping on that cluster Hugo was talkin’ about over there, the antisocial one.  And yep, if ya go and look that one up to see what it is, aside from the oh, hurting animals thing I do run the checklist there-or have at some point in my life, often.  I have mellowed some with age-as can happen with Antisocial types (less hormones, less angst, less…energy) there is the simple fact that kinda like Hugo talks about there…I have a different kind of thought process and have to do things differently than most folk in order to even interact reasonably normally with most folk.  Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I sorta succeed, sometimes I fail miserably, but yeah, there is process that invovles the rearranging how one would “naturally” go about doing things, and there is also a line you gotta keep so you don’t beat yerself up endlessly (or beat up other people endlessly) and realize that even if you aren’t “normal”, well, you are a person who deserves some good and happy and whatnot just like other people- and wanting that isn’t bad.

What I tend to struggle the most with is assuming that folk who seem like me or whatnot are actually like me.  It’s odd, when I meet folk who seem or present very similar to me, I have a habit of thinking hey, they get it, they are like me, so, yeah, we’re on the same page and get shit the same and at first that seems…freakin’ awesome.  That someone has the same shit goin’ on and has to do the same things wrt to other people and sorta has the same view of the world as me and look, with this person I don’t have to do all the stuff I gotta do with other people….and then I find out I am wrong.  Totally.  Which is always a huge, huge mess.  It’s happened with me a few times, and thusly, I now have to add to my to do list “never assume regardless and always do all that shit in your head you need to do”…which is like a big check list really and a forced rewiring of how your process shit…but hey, it’s what I gotta do in order to be a part of the world rather than want to burn it to the ground.

Damn, am I cheerful or what?

In any event, I liked Hugo’s post and think it took balls to write it as there are a lot of folk out there who look for reasons to go after him and shit to go after him with.

  1. xena says:

    We’ll have to agree to disagree about Hugo’s balls, I guess. It doesn’t take any balls at all, imo, for a narcissist to stand around wanking and expecting people to pay him, stroke him, oggle him or whatever. That’s just what narcissists do.

    But I try not to trash bloggers on other people’s blogs. I left a terse comment on Hugo’s December 23 post when he was on about his wannabe Sylvia Plath incident again. I said my piece and I said goodbye. I have more interesting things to look at than Celebrity Rehab copycats. I don’t even find that shit interesting when it’s somebody like Amy Winehouse, who actually had a talent that did interest me.

    Now, I don’t have a problem with the way you put yourself out there, Ren. You don’t whine. You don’t post about your personality disorder as if your experiences have saved thousands of sexy young schoolgirls. You don’t get all weird about the people you used to fuck, and you don’t leave me with the impression that you’re overcompensating or apologizing for some perceived sexual inadequacy. And you don’t claim to descend from European aristocracy, and then call yourself a Marxist on your next post. That is one of my biggest pet peeves in life. Like, HELLO!! Rich Boy…Walk the walk and prove your ideological stripe already! Here I am. You can redistribute some of your wealth in my direction any day now! Unlike Hugo, you’re not trying to be some Cult of Personality, some Chosen One. Gods I hate that nonsense. You are who you are, you fuck who you fuck, and you don’t apologize for it. Fine by me.

    As far as your disorder, you might want to be careful with self diagnosing. APD, ADD and Bipolar disorder all have overlapping symptoms. I had to take 2 years of social science courses before I could even come close to interpreting the psychobabble out there. Psych degrees aren’t enough without at least a few other social sci courses to separate the person from the sociopolitical apparatuses that contribute to/mislabel various types of dis-ease.

    My family has been trying to armchair diagnose me as sociopathic for years. Umpteen social workers try to tell me I’m depressed and delusional–with no education beyond their 2 year SSW diplomas, no less. One shrink tried to tell me I’m schizophrenic. That guy killed his wife and then killed himself a few years later. The symptoms of ADD worked well enough within my own self concept that I spent a few months studying the disorder. I may have found a match, but I have other minor physical ailments that overlap with ADD that may be partly, or fully responsible for the attention difficulties.

    First, I have blood sugar issues, and a family history of diabetes and alcoholism. I’m the lucky anomaly that can’t drink more than 2 without going into convulsions. However, I feel like CRAP when I’m hungry. If I have to wait more than an hour for my breakfast, my heart rate goes way up, I shake, get angry, and start to feel woozy. 12 hours later, I’m lethargic& sleepy. It’s like my nerve endings don’t quite connect, and I can’t find the thoughts that escape me. My uptake is so far off, I can’t tell where I end and the walls&corners of my living space begin. I bump into things and get all bruised. After about a month of inadequate nutrition, people understandably start mistaking me for an addict. I twitch like a Jonesy vampire in some old movie. After about 3 months of hunger, I have to fight paranoia and fullblown suicidal ideation. 6months of dieting is about my limit. That is why I get stressed about my weight. Social stigma means shit to somebody who’s seen the things I’ve seen. It’s about the constant balancing act of keeping my body fit enough so that everything will line up properly around my crooked bones, without starving myself into a nearly psychotic state. I’m also addicted to cigarettes. Withdrawal from nicotine makes me even more twitchy&angry.

    Second, I have tiny breaks and fractures all over my body, from taking my son’s falls during the autistic fits he used to have when he was younger. I wrapped myself around him, and took his falls with him so he wouldn’t hurt himself. Some of my nerve insensitivity is from a crooked spine and pinchy bone fragments popping out in my hands&feet, as much as it’s from the nutrition-related neurochemical uptake issues. I have the weirdest on again-off again itchy spot between my shoulder blades. I reach up to scratch it, but can’t find anything but a bizzarre numb patch of skin when my hand touches it. If you didn’t know better, and you didn’t know about my injuries, would that not sound like a delusion? Or even sociopathic numbness? My sister has the same problem telling nurses about her thyroid symptoms. She went off her meds once and they tried to tell her she had Borderline Personality Disorder.

    So, when self-diagnosing as sociopathic, you might want to consider the full range of symptoms. Ok, so you have most of the symptoms, but you don’t hurt animals. Do you like to steal? Bungee jump? Are you a chronic insomniac when you’re not high? Do you sometimes feel like just roaming around, restless, looking for some je ne sais pas pourquoi to fill a vague dissatisfaction that you can’t quite describe? Do you enjoy fighting? I don’t mean in self-defense. I mean, do you really enjoy roaming around looking for violent scenes that you could jump into for kicks? Do you like to drive at dangerous speeds? Do you have trouble feeling anything at all if you’re not doing something that falls on a spectrum between risky(problem gambling) dangerous(fighting) and destructive (arson,maiming other people).

    No, I don’t expect you to tell me. Just think about that for your own interest. I have an excellent book on the subject. When I’m finished unpacking my things (YES!!! I just rescued my stuff from a Storage Wars auction WHOOHOO!!) I’ll get the author(s’) name(s) for you in the next few days, if you’d like. I believe the title is something like Kids Without a Conscience.

    You might also want to do some thorough research into Attention Defecit/Hyperactive Disorder and Bipolar Disorder, as well as hormone imbalances , and neurological problems due to your back&neck issues.

    • Ren says:

      ahem, i said antisocial, not sociopathic, there is a difference.. and I have researched all kinds of things, been tested for ’em too…

      • xena says:

        Yes. Antisocial Personality Disorder. Slang term: sociopathic. Like schizo is slang for schizophrenic, but schizoid is a different thing entirely.

        You probably don’t mean the colloquial *antisocial*, as in reclusive, introverted and grumpy?

        If you’ve been tested and you trust your doctor, I guess that works. I don’t trust any one doctor bc of the misdiagnosis problems I mentioned above. I’ll spare you my rant about the way those with a bottom line and a social position to protect tend to pathologize poverty with labels like ‘drapetomania’ and ‘hysteria’. I wouldn’t want any lurking trolls to start a pile-on about my ‘paranoia’ 😉

  2. xena says:

    I’m not sure I grasped what you were saying in your second paragraph, about assuming people are like you, and they should get it but they don’t. Like you in what way? What should they be getting when they don’t?

    • Ren says:

      when i think i’ve run across someone with the same wiring..

      • xena says:

        I’ve been thinking on this for a few days in between unpacking and dealing with my son’s birthday celebrations. I’ve also done a bit of online memory refreshing, looking for some statistics.

        I asked about your attempts at “being on the same page” with somebody who might be kinda sorta wired like you, bc the notion gave me chills. Bona fide Hannibal Lecter hibbidy-jibbidies. What I understand about even the mildest types of Antisocial Personality Disorder suggests that you will not find understanding, compassion or camaraderie from these people. Ever. No wonder these situations turn into a “huge, huge mess” for you. The mere fact that you’re trying to be on the same page with these people, and that you view the results as a mess makes me doubt your diagnosis even more.

        Did you know that APD is a blanket diagnosis that far too many Victorian-minded shrinks slap on sex workers bc they disapprove? Just like African American vets with PTSD are misdiagnosed with schizophrenia at an alarming rate. Poverty is pathologized in ways I could get on about for pages…

        I would recommend your doctor try the *new* APD Litmus Test on you. Oxytocin. The stuff turns even the most rugged individuals into cooing kitten lovers. The stuff made me lactate profusely while I cried for days over every fluffy bunny that passed by my hospital bed. 2% of individuals are immune to its effects–the precise number of individuals in the general population believed to have APD. 75% of that number are male. I’m still googling for more up-to-date information, so take my suggestion with however many grains of salt and/or shots of tequila work for you. But do look into it, even if only to prove me wrong.

        • xena says:

          Btw, oxytocin therapies are being used to treat a number of mental illnesses right now, including schizophrenia. I didn’t take it for anything like that. My ob-gyn gave me the hormone to keep the contractions from stopping while they prepared me for epidural during childbirth. Bummer. My labour was too far along, and I delivered my 9 lb. son Au Naturelle. As if I didn’t have enough to cry about that day.

  3. Debbie says:

    grrr for some reason WordPress hates my old address!! I like Hugo’s writing and want to believe he is a good person…but that incident where he atteptemeted to murder someone really freaked me out. you seem like a really caring person who cares about the sex industry and honestly don’t seem to have a sociopathic bone in your body… What would you say the difference between Antisocial Personality Disorder and a Sociopath is

  4. Thanks for the link,.

  5. xena says:

    Wow. I wish I could have 90 days with 80% emotional numbness and 40% physical numbness. I could finish so much that usually gets left undone amidst my family’s stupid bickering.

    My emotions are so intense that I sometimes feel as if other people’s emotions are spilling off onto me, and I’m about to spontaneously levitate, or sink like a stone from the force of feeling. Pounding something with a hammer helps me to feel more normal 😉

    The upside to that is that sex (when I choose to have it–I also go through long periods of celibacy for convenience sake) is fucking earthshattering for me. I’m not sure what the sensation curve is for the population as a whole, but I’ve long suspected that most types of pleasure&pain are a little more intense for me than the *average* person (whatever that is). I could never be a sub. Attempts at humiliation make me hate, and pain& sex go together like chocolate cake&mushroom gravy. YUCK.

    A few months without all of my emotional baggage would be nice.

  6. xena says:

    I didn’t say fun. I said productive… and only for a few months, to accomplish a few short term goals and deal with some people that make me frikkin homicidally angry (like my welfare worker–no you don’t want to hear about it and no, I don’t want to post about it.)

    I’m ok with my own headspace most of the time–when I don’t have 8000 things to do in a stupidly short period of time.

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  8. pheenobarbidoll says:

    “there are a lot of folk out there who look for reasons to go after him and shit to go after him with.”

    No one needs to look for a reason with that douchebag. He parades good enough reasons on an hourly basis.

    As for his claims? He could say the sky was blue and I’d go out and check. Don’t trust that man any farther than I could kick him down the street. I have no use for liars.

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