(One Crackers Humble Opinion)
Okay, I am sure this seems all ironic and hypocritical and all those good things since I am ranting endlessly about how one should not rag mercilessly upon Hillbillies, Hicks, Rednecks and White Trash (henceforth HHRWT), but face it, to some degree ragging on those different from one’s self is natural, and besides, hipsters are sooo coool they wouldn’t even care if some beneath them HHRWT was ragging on ’em anyway, right? And I won’t be completely merciless…or maybe I will, not sure yet. I do also realize that there are plenty of folk who already rag on hipsters. Why yes, they do take their fair share of picking on, but often times, unlike HHRWT, the reasons they get picked on are largely within their control. And believe it or not, Hipsters and HHRWT do occasionally have a few things in common: namely tattoos, cheap beer, and looking like they just rolled out of bed regardless of the hour. Now, tattoos are a universal right for all humans in my opinion. However, HHRWT drink cheap beer because it is cheap. Hipsters do it because it’s cool, and even pay premium beer prices for it! Also, you will generally find that HHRWT-when they look like they just rolled out of bed in the morning- rumpled clothes, messy hair, scruff on the men and screwed up make up on the women, its because they have just in fact rolled out of bed, regardless of the hour of the day. Hipsters, males and females alike, will actually spend hours and exert amazing attention to detail to get that “I spent no time and put no effort into ‘This Look’ look”. It’s amazing really. I can look hungover and dishevelled real easy, so it stuns me when people put a whole lotta time and effort into it, and hipsters sure do!
Now, aside from the effort put into the no effort look, there are several other things I have found to be distinctive traits amid the Hipsters of the World. They like bags. Often ugly yet expensive bags, and carry them around almost constantly. The men and the women. Now, I know non-hipsters who do this too, but usually the bags are smaller and much cheaper, or not bags at all, but rather tool kits or tackle boxes. Oh, and the occasional gun case. Often in the bags, one finds an odd assortment of stuff, from cell phones to some off beat book of poetry to string to art supplies. But yeah, sure enough, Hipsters love their bags. They also dig skinny jeans, once again, men and women alike. Those tight little things with low waists and narrow legs and shit that makes me wonder what the heck they would do if they got into a fight or had to run away from one. Hipsters also tend to be big into music, but it often doesn’t matter if it is good music or not, so long as no one else has heard of it, and the second other people start to like it, its not cool anymore, or well, the hipster is cooler because they heard it first. That attitude also applies to film. They like floppy hair, like hair in the eyes at all times looks like it would drive me utterly crazy cause It’s Touching My EYES kinda hang in the face. And mustaches, little thin ones, a lot of hispter dudes have and like those…oh, and tend to blame HHRWT for making goatees uncool. I find it ironic that they tend to think they are ironic and pretend/put on this whole jaded or bitter facade thingy because its cool, when in truth, a whole lot of ’em have never seen any sorta shit that should ever lead them to that sorta jaded/bitterness. Then they bluster in that cool hip way about how a lot of folk who do actually have reasons to be jaded or bitter yet take it stoic or put a humor spin on it are “the real” poseurs. (Real poseurs, hahaahah). I have run across a few who find art made from human waste or bodily fluids-no matter how bad the art is- good, and think anyone who photographs a fucked up human body is edgy…yet none who have ever actually worked in the fields of medical examination, funeral homes, or crime scene clean up. They are all about the liberal arts, tend to be iconoclastic towards anything that isn’t theirs- but tearing shit down takes sooo much effort- and are often very concerned with social issues…but I have yet to see one at any volunteer gig I’ve ever done. They will rag on people who shop at Walmart, yet I wonder how many of ’em are wandering around in “cool shit” they found in a thrift store that has been donated by some HHRWT- who bought it at Walmart. They are enviro-friendly and many are vegan-non-gluten-skinny folk, who like…PBR. Some assume basic manners, like saying excuse me after burping or farting, are social constructs for other humans and they need not engage in such oppressive behaviors. Oh, and I know for a fact that some of them like the idea of slumming in dive bars, so long as it is a “nice” dive bar in a not really dive-y area, because I made the mistake of taking a crew of people that included a few hipster girls who said they wanted to go to a dive bar to a REAL dive bar in a not fake dive neighborhood and they were NOT happy with me. I guess the actual sawdust on the floor was more than they were expecting….we ain’t been drinkin’ together since…
…So yes, as you can see, there are plenty of reasons I can find to rag on hipsters, but, let’s get down to it: The One Thing any HHRWT is going to take in consideration when it comes to choosing company to keep…who do you want on your side in a fight? Or more specifically, if one is choosing between HHRWT or a Hipster, who do you want on your side in a fight? Well…lets ponder that. I want you to close your eyes and imagine, perhaps after drinking too much cheap beer with either sort, trouble happens. Its not your fault, or maybe it is, but yep, for some reason, from Bad Moon to Bad Mood, there is gonna be a rumble. You look around, and you have a few choices in who you can grab to have your back, or better yet, step in front of you, so who do you pick?
To your left, you have this guy. To your right, this other guy. See, first thing I note is actual muscle tone, which hey, muscles are handy in a fight. Second thing? Foot wear. Boots are always good in a fight. Also, you know, with the redneck guy there? No one is gonna be able to choke him to death with his own bag strap, he obviously doesn’t mind getting dirty, and well, prolly a little crazy, just judging from his recreational activity there. Which one do you choose? Hell, I know who I’d be pickin’, and I sure as heck know who I’d be more likely to wanna share a victory beer with, but that’s just me. Which guy do you want helping you escape an ass-kicking?
But lets say that there are no dudes even to help you out here, hey, gender inclusiveness for the win here at my house, so yeah, no dudes around to help you out in this fight you’ve suddenly found yourself in the middle of, so you have to go with a female as your tag-team partner. So, realizing there are no dudes and you have to go with a gal in this horrible affair, you once again look around and your choices are once again on the left and right. Pick quick, cause you know, getting punched in the kidney hurts a lot. Now see, there is a level once again of practical attire I seek when attempting to avoid an ass stomping. Now sure enough, both these gals are in flats, but for some reason, I know, no question, who I am gonna grab in case of an emergency in a rumble if these are my choices. I mean, the one gal, she’s not gonna wanna ruin, bleed on, or get that dress torn off, it prolly cost more than I make in a month after all, and well, glasses. Always sucks to have those broken in a fight, and once again, the fear of bag strap strangulation. That other woman there? Far more practical clothing and obviously, she’s not afraid to kill shit. So yep, I’d be takin’ my camo-wearing sister there, how about y’all? Shoot, in fact, I pick her over the dude with the bag, frankly. How about you?
Now, this is the point where my previous possible promise of mercy may fall short. As you have perhaps guessed from this post and others around here, I am not over all a huge fan of hipsters, especially those who make fun of HHRWT. And I am really, really not a fan of hipster feminist bloggers who act like class does not exist unless it suits them at the moment, and even amid those hipster feminist bloggers -there is one I dislike above all others I am familiar with, one who really can dish it out but not take it, ignores class when it suits them to do so, and endlessly pick on HHRWT because, well, its okay to do that. A gal who has ragged, as a hipster feminist big time blogger and all, on everything to gals with fake tits to those who pose in playboy to those who are not young and cute and perky and such, and then has the nerve to get upset and huffy when people of the sort whom she rags on get pissed about it, and that gal? Well, she might be named Amanda….so I ask you people, when in a mythical bar fight and all, and you got two choices, one a Hipster Big Time Feminist Bloggy Blogger with awesome creds who is just sooo smart and funny…and the other a mean little asshole of the HHRWT vareity. Remember, a theoretical asskicking is on the line here….
Eh, I go with the cracker in the black cowboy hat and camo pants personally, cause well, I go with her every day and all, and well, she wears boots instead of sandals…and plus, cool shirt. But yeah, I know who I pick for that sorta thing, you know, the sorta deal where you gotta know who has your back and will keep an eye out and stand up for you and defend ya and such- things that are far more important than lookin’ like you spent no effort and music and what’s art and what ain’t? Sure as shit, I go with HHRWT, ’cause even if you do pick on them or mock them, they just might lend you a hand because you needed it or asked. Hell, it’s in their nature. It kinda has to be.
A Hipster? Hell, not sure I would ever trust one to do that, have my back or care more about someone getting their ass stomped than their cool creds or clothes. I’m not sure its in their nature at all. And that reason above all is why Hipsters should be targets for disdain before HHRWT. We care about who and what we care about, even if it ain’t cool.