Archive for July 28, 2011

Burn Out

Posted: July 28, 2011 in Drugs & Rock n Roll, Humans, Pain, Personal, Rants

Well, shit y’all, if ya can’t just let it all hang out on yer own blog, then where can ya? 

Eh, I am gettin’ real crispy these days- ala my title there- tired as hell but sometimes wired as hell too- naturally- which is also kinda gettin’ to me.  I’ve been holding off on the back meds cause they destroy my stomach, but I had the serious desire to, oh, grind up and snort like six of ’em today (I resisted and succeeded in that resistance) not because the pain was so horrible, but because I am stressed out as fuck and at the same time bored out of my dang skull and seriously have just utterly overloaded on humans in so much that I really don’t actually wanna see too many of ’em at all these days.  Despite my ability to resist the dang pain killers that oh, sit on my desk daily and I really haven’t been taking because while my back hurts, I like what they do to my stomach even less…well,  I sure as heck wouldn’t mind my favorite illicit substance right now at all, I mean hell, if I ain’t gonna sleep, am gonna be sweating like nuts and grinding my teeth like crazy I might was well have a reason, and a reason I rather like a whole lot.   But yeah, complications there too, and am fuckin’ sick to death of complications of any and all kinds in my goddamn life.  Seems like I have had nothing but fuckin’ complications for the last three dang years of my life and while yeah, I have the occasional good day or not bad day- overall, I’ve had a real shitty run here and rather than getting older and wiser, I am getting older and colder.  Just getting spun out of my damn mind holds an almost irresistible appeal these days, cause frankly?  So much else simply doesn’t. 

I’m freakin’ tired.  And not just in a physical/mental lack of sleep way-but in all ways.  I am, simply put, right now?  Quite the Burn Out.  And yeah, sure enough, I still got some of those Little Things which usually help me in makin’ due, but even with me?  Sometimes little things just ain’t enough.  Hell, overall I even had a pretty decent day today.  Mellow hang out kinda day.  Got some sun, smoked some cigarettes, had some fun, nothing I really had to do cause shit that needed doing I did the day before- the kinda lazy, chill day most folk would call fair to midland- but in the overwhelming pile of suck, wreckage and bullshit I’ve been wading through for the last three years?  Even these mellow decent sorta days don’t do much to erase that whole older and colder, leaner and meaner feeling I got taking up residence in my soul.   And aside from today?  It’s been one of them weeks where the hits just keep comin’.  Had a friend of mine say he had to kick me outta his life cause well, I ain’t a good influence and he is trying to get his shit together- which hey, I get, and sure enough, the fella does need to get his dang shit together, and I am rooting for him to do so, and if cuttin’ me out helps in that, then hell yes, he should do it.  But, at the same time, one of those things that when yer not expecting it can hit you kinda strange.  Got smacked with a dang bill I sure as shit wasn’t expecting- and yeah, it can be handled but it means leaning down the lean already even more, and prolly parting with my comic collection cause well, parting with childish things in order to handle adult business is shit that sometimes you gotta do.  I gotta a couple folk I actually do like puttin’ me in situations or places where I gotta make damn hard choices and decisions cause how shit is -as is?  Makes me feel really off and uncomfortable and angsty and wrong – like not right in my own skin kinda levels of it- but I feel like I have had to do a lot of hard shit and already make a lot of hard calls and each time I do, well, damn, there’s another one.  And there is that older colder leaner and meaner part of me that just wants to say even to folk I like “fuck it, I’m done, I am gonna go get spun, and I don’t wanna hear shit about shit from anyone- just back off and leave me the fuck alone- better for everyone, really”…and I’d prolly be justified in doing so.  But I have put my fair share of hurt on various folks and done some pretty awful and shady shit myself, so I don’t know if I will listen to that older colder meaner and leaner part or not.  I prolly should, but hey, that part is one cold-blooded customer-even if it is usually right.

What I need is a goddamn vacation. From a shit ton of stuff, stress, strife, and society.  I need an actually good day, or a couple of ’em, where I ain’t gotta worry about anyone or anything other than me, and do right be me, and indulge me a little and not feel fucking guilty about it.  I need various folk to back the fuck off and realize nah, I ain’t always a rock and ffs, three years of shit, I’ve earned and deserve a goddamn break.  I have lost a lot. A ton of shit other fuckin’ people take for granted.  Sure, other folk certainly have it worse and harder, but I have done bled, in a whole lotta ways enough in the last few years, and I deserve to be freakin’ comfortable and content for a while.  I deserve to have some actually good days where I feel like I am grinnin’ and bein’ nice cause I actually want to and honestly feel that way inside, outside, and all over for real. 

Right now, in about a billion fuckin’ ways I am a Burn Out.  I need some time to scrape off the ash, by my rules and my way, cause that full-out older and colder meaner and leaner thing?  Not real pretty, and when that is the prevailing voice in my head?  Well, shit, no good comes of that, for anyone around me.  All this shit is itchy, and I deserve to feel comfortable in my own damn skin.

and ffs, if I am gonna grind my dang teeth this much and not sleep, I should so have a better and far more fun reason for doing so.