“Deal Breakers”

Posted: July 22, 2011 in Humans

Y’all know the term, right?  As in how it is used in a relationship sense….as in that “I cannot be in a relationship with someone if they (insert habit or whatever here), that’s a deal breaker.”  Usually a term used for relationships of a romantic nature, but not excluded to, for instance a recovering alcoholic might really like Joe X, but Joe X likes to get his party on with the booze and thus, our theoretical recovering alcoholic cannot be around Joe that much because Joe kicks back by drinkin’….thus deal breaker on a friendship.  These things, those deal breaker things?  They exist for a reason.  Boundaries and hardlines and shit like that?  I tend to think those are good things that help in the protecting of ones self, sanity, and all that shit.   Hell, I even got some myself, and yep, sure enough, they differ if stuff is on a friend level or a romantic level….for instance, I can be friends with a dude who takes longer to get ready to go out than I do and puts a whole, whole lotta stock in bein’…pretty or handsome or what the hell ever.  Could I date a dude who spent more time gettin’ cleaned up and groomed to perfection than I do?  Fuck no. Deal Breaker.  Same goes for dudes with long nails, dudes who cannot change a tire, and dudes who figure women should be pretty nice smelling domestic goddesses and great hostesses 24/7/365.   And beleive it or not, some of the same shit other folk consider deal breakers- as in the big huge common ones?  I do too, but prolly to a lesser degree.  I can be friends with, even romantically involved with folk who drink, smoke, use drugs, watch porn, gamble (vices), and I am the same way if they are folk who are more on the virtue end of it (go to church regular, do community service, so on)- where it would become a problem with me is if any or all of that was too excess, an actual addiction, an all-consuming thing…so yeah, I figure that shit out first before gettin’ any kind of relationship- just friends or more than friends, straightened out first- and really, its not a bad thing to do….

But where I see the problems coming in with this kinda shit is when people have those deal breakers, don’t shoot straight about it, and then figure they can change the other party.  One, that shit never works, two, controlling as fuck, and three, kinda dishonest really.  I mean, lets say, theoretically of course and all, a nice sincere hard working clean as soap don’t drink don’t smoke, don’t do any of that shit fella found himself having a serious liking of oh, a somewhat foul mouthed mean tempered non-conventional gal who likes booze, speed, smokes, porn and all kinds of nefarious shit, but rather than saying flat out “Hey, I like you, but the shit you do is a deal breaker for me” and instead makes no mention of it, gets into a relationship with said gal, then starts bringin’ down the hardline?  Uh….boot!  WHY?  Because people are not “a cause” and the awesome power of anyones love ain’t gonna change folk, and well, I for one would not wanna be with someone who was a lying shit sack about it from the get go but figured once they got some hooks in me, they could then change me or the rules of engagement.  It’s underhanded, devious and even IF  (and yep, big IF), the person goes with this change of plan and agrees to the newly made deal breakers?  Pfft….95% of the time they are lyin’ through their teeth and will still do all the shame shit behind the Rule Changers Back.  If a clean-livin’ person gets into a relationship with a partier, and puts up with it until hooks are in and then changes the rules?  Well, sure, because the Partier is now invested in a relationship they might not do it around their S.O….but as soon as that S.O. is outta sight?  I bet ya fuckin’ pair of snake skin boots the Partier will get to partying.  That’s who they are, what they dig, how they roll…and the only person who can-or even has a right to change that shit up- is them.  Love don’t conquer all, and those who go in thinking it can?  Not only prolly in for a nasty shock- but basing the relationship off some lies to start with.  Folk shouldn’t say they are okay with crap they ain’t okay with in the first place, and changing up the rules?  Hell, that’s just controlling manipulative bullshit.  It can also lead folk gettin’ real angry and downright hateful towards the person who, oh, lied. 

Anyway-  been ill and got the insomnia in full effect- and that was what was on my mind this mornin’.  Fire at Will…

  1. dead_vladimir says:

    I always figured love conquers all meant two people in love will you know get over adversity like one losing their job or someone getting sick…if you view love conquers all in like i will beat my partner into the shape i want them to be in-well that ain’t love -at least not in my book

    now as for people who get involved with someone -well if you don’t like who they are, the question isn’t why are you trying to change them but why are you involved in the first place?
    and i think a lot of them its more about the person rather than the person they claim to love. they want that narrative, they are too lazy or fearful to try for someone who does meet their standards, or they figure they can keep the other person so on edge about their flaws and habits, the other person doesn’t have the time to look at the other person and realize how they are more a thing than a partner. You change things, you don’t change partners. Also a lot of people like to go poor me look what they do to me or hold the moral high ground and that is bullshit.

    If a person does things you can’t take or don’t want, don’t get involved, don’t go oh they will change as they get to know me, or they will change once i tie them down with a house and family

    If people change it always has to be their own choice, not because someone else wore them down
    And if your goal is to wear someone down into fitting into the little box that makes them perfect for your life, that’s a fucking accessory not a person, and that makes you king asshole.

    • Ren says:

      truth be told, I get as pissed at folk who put up with the controlling as those who try and do the controlling….

  2. Roy Kay says:

    This seems like the “diamond in the rough” perspective. They kind of like the “hardness” and strength of character they see. Cut and polish some facets and they will truly sparkle, while still being at core hard and strong. The can be way more appealing that someone closer to hearts desire, but malleable and could drift away with the next wind.

    Some people do like the cutting and polishing and the results in social status gained. They may also have a quiet distrust of their own strength and wish to borrow from the strength of the “diamond cutter”.

    The problem is that other people LOVE their rough edges and wouldn’t cut or polish anything for any measure of sparkle and appreciation from others. Then the “diamond cutter” feels cheated of the gen they thought they were going to have – even though it was they who cheated themselves. They aren’t intentionally dishonest. However, they did fail to disclose the end game and get fully aware buy-off.

    Unfortunately a lot of literature emphasizes this approach to relationships. It’s a form of conflict and resolution. Makes great reading, but sucks for a relationship guide. The meme of “I love you. You’re perfect. Now change.”

  3. forgot! says:

    Devil’s advocate here. As a general rule I agree – but there’s always the exceptions or mistaken by prejudice. There’s the intelligent drop-outs pissed off with what they were expected to work at and why, but in a different league from the other bums they get pissed with. There’s those who will smarten up when woken up to what they felt wasn’t too good, but never got told off for. I’m one – do you want me or the booze? I wanted her – stuff the booze.

    And there’s those who’ll always whine that any interference in drifting along in their own way to suit somebody else (but always expect everybody to suit them) is unwarranted interference in their ‘freedom’.

    There’s no hard-&-fast rules and that is the hard-&-fast rule, that in any kind of a relationship worth the name, nobody needs rules because they naturally bend to accommodate each other. If you care about each other, you want to please each other, and while a lot of men (and the kind of macho-feminists envious of the worst aspects of men) might bleat about ‘imposition’ – if that’s how they fel about it, then they don’t really feel a relationship between equal friends.

    • Ren says:

      uh, why’d you gotta go and say feminists instead of just men/some women? This isnt a feminist issue! Hahahahahah.

      And of course people will get into relationship with folk who have some qaulities/habits they don’t love, and either change themselves or encourage the other to change, but I am HUGE on straight forward. For instance, I smoke cigarettes. I will stop smoking them when I am damn good and ready to and not before. I am very honest and up front that I am a smoker- for some folk, this is and would be a deal breaker- so best to just be flat out honest about it. I also got a horrible temper, some very ..uh…shady… friends and a penchant for tinkering with shit endlessly- cars, pipes, home repair shit- some dudes cannot handle that I am a person with a lot of scary looking (and often really scary) male friends, or that I can handle power tools better than them, so I say so up front, and I truly apreciate it when they do to. Hell, I dated a guy for a while, liked him even, he could look past the smoking and the tendancy to save him auto repair bills by messing endlessly with his car…but then he met some of my friends, he asked them what universities they had gone too, one of them, a guy I have known since 7th grade, replied “Okaloosa Correctional” and that was it- deal breaker. If had had KNOWN he had issues with me having friends who oh, might be ex-cons….never woulda got that far. But he hadn’t. So I learned to make that known EARLY, and expect the same sorta shit in return. Saves people on both sides a lot of time and effort, really.

  4. rootietoot says:

    There’s degrees of stuff…(I am not very eloquent today, but will do my best).For instance, when I met my husband 26 years ago, I saw many, many fine qualities in him, and a few that I knew I couldn’t live with. He was a slob,and a dyed in the wool South Georgia Redneck Racist. So I worked on those things. Whenever he told a racist joke, or said something, I’d smack him down with Socratic Method. “What do you mean, why do you say that, are you saying they’re ALL like that? What about about (insert individual who doesn’t fit stereotype)?” Eventually he quit saying things (which obviously wasn’t the end of his racism) and when he got into management positions and had people working for him, he HAD to change his thinking, and was already halfway there. I’m still working on the slob issue…I’ll have to get back to you on that. But it was also mutual. I had qualities that were (and still are) less than ideal, and he works on me…however, realizing we both had things that need work,and a willingness to recognize and admit it,means that it can be done.

    I do, however, have Deal Breakers. Mechanical incompetence(nothing will earn my contempt quicker than crossing the jumper cables and fusing my battery terminals), complete lack of chivalry (the old fashioned kind. By Glory a man had BETTER hold the door open for me! Especially if I’m washing his underwear), or making fun of someone who can’t help whatever it is they’re making fun of. I’m all for making fun of someone who’s a deliberately thickheaded moron, but do NOT mock someone who’s handicapped or unattractive and can’t help it. And do NOT say to me “I am not happy in this job, I think God doesn’t want me to do it” then quit and put your family on welfare. I cannot abide laziness.

    • Ren says:

      well, hence the difference between bad qualities we can work on and deal wih and … deal breakers. Like the slob thing LOL. Annoying, not deal breaker. For you- laziness- deal breaker, for me- excessive vanity- deal breaker

      • rootietoot says:

        I’m not fond of excessive vanity either, it’s never been a deal breaker because I’ve never gotten close enough to someone like that to consider a relationship. Oh another: soft sweaty hands. that goes along with the laziness and incompetence tho, it’s a symptom.

    • OMG, Rootie with Socratic method! The dude was a goner.


  5. kingschwarz says:

    I was once in an intense long-term relationship with someone who “figured once they got some hooks in me, they could then change me or the rules of engagement.” My last cat. She was a rescue kitty, an apple-headed longhaired Siamese, who seemed grateful for a stable home and happy to eat whatever cat food hit her bowl. Soon enough though, she was spurning the dry kibble, then anything but seafood, and before long she made it clear that she expected and preferred fresh fish to canned. And since the post repeats the word “shit” about a thousand times, let’s talk about that. I cleaned Miss Kitty’s litter box once a day or so, and at first she raised no objection. Little by little, though, she tightened the screws, punting poops out of the box and making a fuss, until she literally had me standing by with the scoop, like Shaka Zulu’s royal anus-wiper (it’s true – the emic term for the post was “izisindabiso”), while she relieved herself. Talk about changing the rules of engagement. I tried fighting back with the Socratic Method, per rootie, but the cat easily defeated me with her clever Buddhist logic accompanied by an array of disdainful facial expressions. She finally developed an allergy to seafood, or I would have been shucking oysters and preparing shrimp etouffee forever. The on-demand instant poop scooping – that continued until the end of her days. What can I say? Unlike people, cats can break whatever deals they like, and we just have to deal with their shit.

    • Ren says:

      HAHAHAH, sharon approves, and no truer words have ever been spoken…..

    • rootietoot says:

      My cats do that. 2 applehead siamese w/Long Pedigrees. If there’s a bit of poo in the littler, they hang their butts over the edge and do it in the floor. Or on any towel that happens to be on the floor. They like towels. Towels are soft. Fortunately they’re content with dry cat food so far. I don’t shuck oysters for my people, I’m damn sure not doing it for 4 legged animals, pedigrees or not.

      • Ren says:

        my old one, Set, who was blacker than pitch but had Siamese in the woodpile (god, she had that YOWL) used to do the butt over the edge thingy. Sharon does not thank god…thou I do scoop the box twice a day anyhow….trained by the previous cat and all…

        • kingschwarz says:

          @ Ren: my cat never did the butt-hang. Her technique was to hit the middle of the box, let the poop dry just long enough to become aerodynamic and then punt in any direction. She got serious air, and her effective range was 5-6 yards. I miss her terribly.

      • kingschwarz says:

        @ rootietoot: sometimes I feel as though people are two-legged animals, and cats are four-legged people. Miss Kitty’s pedigree – by Trash Can Raider out of Alley Yowler. None of her sibs were remotely Siamese, but she had the look, the voice and the attitude.

    • I turned my husband into a real cat person! He grew up without cats and was unaware of their slyly seductive ways… he thought they were rude, noisy and demanding, like dogs… I think the first time a cat snubbed him, he could not resist them. Now he loves them and even watches cat TV shows on Animal Planet.

      Some men are just suckers for “hard to get”! LOL

  6. No religious cults! No insane religions! none of that! Interestingly, I am the one prone to that stuff, and I admit it.. but that’s just it: one superstitious nut in a relationship is plenty, and that is my dept. Luckily, he has always respected that.

    Mr Daisy is shocked by mothers and fathers who neglect their kids, or dump them on someone else (includes relatives, friends and/or willing grandparents) and go along their merry way. He adopted my own child since her father didn’t seem to give a shit… he has lots of derision for deadbeat dads/moms. As a child, I was dumped on relatives repeatedly, and I told him early in our relationship that such an act was out of the question, poverty or no, and I would never do that to MY child since I believe it harmed me considerably. Here I thought I was airing a resentment (I was), and instead, I impressed him like the dickens! Funny how things like that happen. He thought I was the bomb! 😀

    But yes, “deal breakers” set boundaries and rules and are crucial… I think some people have never articulated their “deal breakers” (especially young folks) and don’t realize they even have them.

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