Dear Universe….

Posted: April 22, 2011 in Personal, Rants, women, WTF???

You know all that bitching and whining I did in puberty about having no freakin’ womanly curves and all that shit?

I TOTALLY take it ALL back….

AH yes, this is a shopping story.  Once, about every five years or so, when summer rolls around I find myself looking at the shorts I’ve worn for the last five summers (usually three pairs or so), deeming them derserving of a merciful death, and in need of new shorts…which will hopefully last another 5 summers.  So it was this summer- and I decided hey, since I am gonna BE in FL, I might as well shop for shorts there because – well, being FL and all- they will prolly have a better selection and stuff will be cheaper (always is)….  So the Renegade found herself in a Target, looking for a couple pair of new shorts.

I head first to the Women’s Dept.  Where sizes range from about 8 to 32.  I am not, nor have I ever been close to any of that myriad of sizes….thus, we then go to the Juniors Section, where I, at age 39, seem to be relegated if I ever wanna buy anything off the rack that will fit…so I am poking around- and I note something- in both the women and juniors sections:  They have shorts, a ton of colors and patterns and sizes and stuff….but they are all…well…REALLY short.  I mean seriously, no golf shorts, no walking shorts, and well, it’s a goddang rare freakin’ day when you can EVER find cargo shorts- the real deal and not some lowrise pocket lacking poor ass attempt at cargo shorts in any female based clothing department…but yeah, EVERYTHING is really, really short- tennis short short to Daisy Duke short short…and thats it… well, not true, ONE pair of walking shorts, but they were pink and lime green plaid and a size 18- so yeah, that shit ain’t happenin’.

At which point a Renegade becomes *quite* put out.  Now sure, there is a time and a place for shorter shorts- but hell, for daily all summer wear, I do not want that.  I don’t want shorts that are so short if I sit outside on a lawn chair I am gonna burn the fuck outta my thighs (or, considering the lengths of these things-my ass) on the dang chair.  And I am thinking this is Florida!  People wear shorts 360 days a year down here, and for some reason, I cannot see too many women over 30, or over 100 pounds, or who need to sit on damn car seats or lawn chairs- wanting to wear short-shorts ALL the fuckin’ time!  I mean seriously…I cannot be the ONLY woman in the world who prefers looser, baggier, longer shorts with actual REAL pockets, can I?  Well, if the women’s/junior’s departments in this massive freakin’ Target are any indication…I am.

So I grumble and eyeball a pair of the shorts shorter than what I actually want to wear, thinking how the holy hell am I gonna hook my wallet chain and keys and leatherman and shit on these stupid flimsy ass things… and then I look at the price tag…and the answer is Oh Hell No…

But then I have a thought…

See, for years uncounted, well, from puberty on anyway, I have been aware of the fact (and often teased for the fact) that well, I ain’t blessed in the curves department.  Hell, the few I have?  I bought  ’em.  Much like most of the women in my family…I am ALL shoulders and spine, really…and hips?  Heh…I dreamed of having those once, but guess what?  Never happened….so, devious minded non-hip having me heads to the Boy’s Department…


Yep Yep Yes indeedy, the Renegade is now the proud owner of three pairs of ACTUAL cargo shorts, with all the pockets and everything!  Nice, heavy-duty, long, loose and baggy and wonderfully comfy REAL LIFE CARGO SHORTS!  Six Pockets per Pair!  And they cover my thighs when I sit on lawn chairs and hot car seats!  Boy’s Size 16 baby, and they fit PERFECT….oh yeah, and were like 12$ a pair and decently made and hell, should hold up a few summers and did I mention….came in colors like black and tan and (sighs lovingly) camo and NOT pink and teal and yellow?  My wallet chain has a happy new home!

Hell yeah, y’all….

So all that bitching and whining I did about having no curves and ALL the jokes I have heard from folk about being built like a 14 year old boy?  Heh, yeah, thank god for that shit!!!

*and I am not even gonna START on the only short shorts and skirts and skimpy ass bikinis and shit in the GIRLS dept.  WTF…I mean seriously…just WTF????

  1. rootietoot says:

    Woohoo! Congratulations! As a size 18 woman who likes sturdy clothes with pockets and stuff, and can only find shorts in pink and green plaid (OH C’MON! AS IF MY ASS WASN’T BIG ENOUGH ALREADY!) I feel your frustration in finding something, and cheer for you! I tend to wear skirts in the summer, longish thin cotton skirts because the breeze gets all up in there and keeps things cool.

    And don’t start *me* in on the shi…er…stuff they’re trying to dress little girls in. Don’t even go there.

  2. I am not even gonna START on the only short shorts and skirts and skimpy ass bikinis and shit in the GIRLS dept. WTF

    Channel 4 over here had a series all about this exact thing last week, and without using that exact term, was all “WTF” about it as well, and rightly so.

  3. Idiocracy says:

    I guess you’ve just learnt how it is to be a man looking for underwear

  4. Idiocracy says:

    But we must remember that ‘feminists’ have made it always acceptable for women to see men as superiors and wear their clothes and aspire to the ideals expected of them, but never for men to wear “women’s” clothes and value women’s traditions equally with men’s.

    Nobody notices a woman shopping in the Men’s Department, but women are full of like it personally raped them to see a man eyeing up knee-highs or clothes they keep to themselves..

    • Ren says:

      Dude..take the feminist hate on elsewhere ….this post is a about SHOPPING! Not freakin feminism! And if you’ve never seen dudes buying and wearing women s clothes ….you must not know ANY goths or club kids…and ya know I have yet to ever see a feminist get all over them for it either.

      You wanna wear lace panties and a skirt….knock yerself out.

    • rootietoot says:

      No one notices women in men’s departments because many women shop for their men. No one assumes my husband (who shops for me because I hate doing it) is shopping for himself because he’s 6’4″ and 250lb, and those dresses he’s buying would NEVER fit him. They’re all “Oh hi, Mr Rootie, shopping for your wife again?”

      Y’know what annoys me? It’s the comments you see places, like in USAToday and such like, where they take a thread on an article about something innocent, like puppies or fashion, and turn it all around into something Political or Social Activism or some shit, and fer cryin’ out loud….IT’S JUST PUPPIES! (or short pants!)

    • Who doesn’t? Someone never heard of the Glam Rock era, Slade, David Bowie, T. Rex, Sweet, Gary Glitter, et. al. That was, ohh, lemme think, over 30 years ago?

      I think it’s greatif men want to wear clothes marketed to women… why don’t they? Ball is in your court. Ren and I don’t wait for a man’s permission to shop in the men’s dept, so why are you waiting for women to bless your excursion into the women’s dept?

      Don’t blame women for what men have chosen to do (or not do) with their considerable freedoms.

  5. Aspasia says:

    I cannot be the ONLY woman in the world who prefers looser, baggier, longer shorts with actual REAL pockets, can I?

    Hell no you aren’t! Summer, I usually prefer not to have to carry a huge purse for the keys, IDs, etc. Just want to put it in a pocket. And damned if shorts don’t always ride up in the middle, making me have to walk funny down the street until I can straighten everything out. I usually just end up in maxi dresses or capris. Shorts long since declared war on my figure.

  6. polly says:

    What are you on about you idiot? Have you never heard of Eddie Izzard? I don’t wear ‘mens’ clothes because I see men as superior, I wear them cos I don’t want stuff that looks like it’s 3 sizes too small even when it’s MY size.

  7. polly says:

    With you on the mens shorts Ren. You probably have to be skinny to shop in the boys but even those of us with fat arses can get into the grown up mens stuff.

    • Ren says:

      Polly….I am surprisingly small considering er….my attitude. All of about 5’2″ and 100 pounds soaking wet with combat boots on….so the 14 year old boy joke fits….assuming I am the nerdy kid….which…well…I did play dungeons and dragons …

  8. yep, I need a some new mens cargos, love them.

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