Archive for April 22, 2011

Dear Universe….

Posted: April 22, 2011 in Personal, Rants, women, WTF???

You know all that bitching and whining I did in puberty about having no freakin’ womanly curves and all that shit?

I TOTALLY take it ALL back….

AH yes, this is a shopping story.  Once, about every five years or so, when summer rolls around I find myself looking at the shorts I’ve worn for the last five summers (usually three pairs or so), deeming them derserving of a merciful death, and in need of new shorts…which will hopefully last another 5 summers.  So it was this summer- and I decided hey, since I am gonna BE in FL, I might as well shop for shorts there because – well, being FL and all- they will prolly have a better selection and stuff will be cheaper (always is)….  So the Renegade found herself in a Target, looking for a couple pair of new shorts.

I head first to the Women’s Dept.  Where sizes range from about 8 to 32.  I am not, nor have I ever been close to any of that myriad of sizes….thus, we then go to the Juniors Section, where I, at age 39, seem to be relegated if I ever wanna buy anything off the rack that will fit…so I am poking around- and I note something- in both the women and juniors sections:  They have shorts, a ton of colors and patterns and sizes and stuff….but they are all…well…REALLY short.  I mean seriously, no golf shorts, no walking shorts, and well, it’s a goddang rare freakin’ day when you can EVER find cargo shorts- the real deal and not some lowrise pocket lacking poor ass attempt at cargo shorts in any female based clothing department…but yeah, EVERYTHING is really, really short- tennis short short to Daisy Duke short short…and thats it… well, not true, ONE pair of walking shorts, but they were pink and lime green plaid and a size 18- so yeah, that shit ain’t happenin’.

At which point a Renegade becomes *quite* put out.  Now sure, there is a time and a place for shorter shorts- but hell, for daily all summer wear, I do not want that.  I don’t want shorts that are so short if I sit outside on a lawn chair I am gonna burn the fuck outta my thighs (or, considering the lengths of these things-my ass) on the dang chair.  And I am thinking this is Florida!  People wear shorts 360 days a year down here, and for some reason, I cannot see too many women over 30, or over 100 pounds, or who need to sit on damn car seats or lawn chairs- wanting to wear short-shorts ALL the fuckin’ time!  I mean seriously…I cannot be the ONLY woman in the world who prefers looser, baggier, longer shorts with actual REAL pockets, can I?  Well, if the women’s/junior’s departments in this massive freakin’ Target are any indication…I am.

So I grumble and eyeball a pair of the shorts shorter than what I actually want to wear, thinking how the holy hell am I gonna hook my wallet chain and keys and leatherman and shit on these stupid flimsy ass things… and then I look at the price tag…and the answer is Oh Hell No…

But then I have a thought…

See, for years uncounted, well, from puberty on anyway, I have been aware of the fact (and often teased for the fact) that well, I ain’t blessed in the curves department.  Hell, the few I have?  I bought  ’em.  Much like most of the women in my family…I am ALL shoulders and spine, really…and hips?  Heh…I dreamed of having those once, but guess what?  Never happened….so, devious minded non-hip having me heads to the Boy’s Department…


Yep Yep Yes indeedy, the Renegade is now the proud owner of three pairs of ACTUAL cargo shorts, with all the pockets and everything!  Nice, heavy-duty, long, loose and baggy and wonderfully comfy REAL LIFE CARGO SHORTS!  Six Pockets per Pair!  And they cover my thighs when I sit on lawn chairs and hot car seats!  Boy’s Size 16 baby, and they fit PERFECT….oh yeah, and were like 12$ a pair and decently made and hell, should hold up a few summers and did I mention….came in colors like black and tan and (sighs lovingly) camo and NOT pink and teal and yellow?  My wallet chain has a happy new home!

Hell yeah, y’all….

So all that bitching and whining I did about having no curves and ALL the jokes I have heard from folk about being built like a 14 year old boy?  Heh, yeah, thank god for that shit!!!

*and I am not even gonna START on the only short shorts and skirts and skimpy ass bikinis and shit in the GIRLS dept.  WTF…I mean seriously…just WTF????