Greetings from the Swamp…

Posted: April 20, 2011 in Personal, The Funny

So, well, I’m down in FL taking a vacation and staying with my parents.  My parents have lived in the same house here in FL since 1986 or so…bought it for REAL cheap (65,000) because…well…previous owners?  Murder/Suicide- amazing how that shit will drop property values!  Anyway, this house is one of those places I have a love / hate relationship with.  My folks talk endlessly about selling it and moving to something smaller  (going price these days in this part of FL would be about 120…which for 5 bedrooms, 3 full baths, a two car garage, a pool….and something very very few other houses in FL have- a basement- seems like a freakin’ steal to me, but hey, I live in North VA where shit is just too dang expenesive period.)  And Mr. E and I have also long disucssed figuring out a way to, er, take it off thier hands when they do decide to sell…because face it, having a place in FL- considering how often we come here and how often folk we know come here- could be kinda cool…but so yah, there is the love.  I like a lot about this place….its big, my folks have over the years have done a lot of work on it- new floors, new roof, new pipes– but a lot would still need to be done- the pool needs work, the deck needs to be replaced, and while I live for that shit…well…it would end up being a lot of time and money….

There is also the killer almost deal breaker for me…location.  My folks place is about 40 minutes North of Orlando…about 5 minutes into the “Snakes and Rednecks” portion of FL, but WAY TOO CLOSE to the “Tourists and Disney” section of the state for me…sure enough- great for guests, hell, yer 40 minutes from Mickey Mouse (ugh) and Sea World (not so ugh) and Universal (great rollercoasters), and about 30 minutes from Daytona (beaches and racing and motorcycles, woohoo!) …if I were ever gonna come back to this state, I’d prefer to live in the Tampa area or…further north  (more snakes and rednecks, less Disney and Tourists…and well, a much shorter drive to Rooties  hahahahaaha!)

Anyway, I have always laughed about this house….and when we first moved here, there was an instance where my father, my brother and myself had need to get up on the roof to fix something….and now I got a visual for ya….

Note edge of roof…note deep end of pool  (12 feet deep, also a rarity in FL)….well, you KNOW we had to do it…it seemed like a BRILLIANT idea at the time…and there were no injuries…until my Mom got word and nearly killed all three of us….so far as I know, no one has made that leap since for fear of a 5’3″ 120 pound woman with a killer maternal instinct….oh, and in case you EVER had any doubt that FL, even near the Disney Parts, was still just a big ass Swamp full of snakes, bugs, and gators…a photo of the Non-Concrete part of their backyard….I am convinced there may actually BE Japanese in there who do not know the war is over….

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Comments
  1. Xena says:

    Lucky you. It’s still fucking snowing here.

    Tell your parents not to sell that red hot property to anybody else! Keep it in the family.
    (Oops! Did I just open the door for some crass redneck jokes? ;-)) Ads in the Toronto Sun, especially over Xmas and Spring Break, would have me believing Floridians are getting anywhere from $400 to $1000/week from freezing Canadians in rental money. You might want to ask some neighbours about whether or not that’s too good to be true, but if it works out, your parents, and eventually you and hubby could make lots of money.

    Btw, things are looking up for me. Toronto’s much nicer than the shithole town I was going to school in. Nobody has time to mind other people’s business and make up lies with legal ramifications here. We’re all too busy just trying to pay the rent. I’m still in a shelter, but it’s a decent, clean shelter, where the rules are designed to help everybody get along, not to have an excuse to catch them fucking up so they can boot more people out.
    *Fingers crossed* I might have a job as a legal secretary to a friend of a friend, once I get my typing up to speed. I hope so. Maybe I ‘ll be one of those Canadian tourists in silly Mickey Mouse ears next spring 🙂

    • Ren says:

      oh, we got a TON of Canadians down here, folk from the North US too (parents neighbors are orginally from Buffalo), but when they come down, they tend to want to either be ON the beach or really close to the Disney stuff. FL is very reasonably priced thou.

      AND YAY for Toronto….I will keep my fingers crossed on the job front.

      (and hells yes there are plenty of crass redneck jokes to be made, but I prolly heard em already lol)

  2. Xena says:

    Japanese who don’t know the war is over? That sounds like that old Spielberg comedy starring John Belushi. I think it was called 1941. Never would have happened. But it was kinda funny if I’m reading it properly. It was spoofing paranoid Californians who thought the Japanese actually cared enough about Hollywood to go all Kamikaze on the west coast.

    We had one of those crazy old guys here, except he was a French draft dodger, not a Japanese spy. I’m tempted to call the guy a coward, because WWII was not an optional war like Afghanistan. But he must have had what he thought were some pretty serious issues with the politics of the situation to live in the Great Canadian Beyond for 40 some odd years. People die of exposure all the time up here. No matter what else he was, he must have been pretty tough and pretty smart to survive that.

  3. Erik Schwarz says:

    So there is at least one person in the family with common sense and the instinct for self-preservation! Are your parents serious about selling the house and downsizing or do they just like to kvetch? If the former, are you and your husband ready to take on what sounds like a relatively large and high-maintenance property – especially if you are managing it from NoVA? If the latter, you are free to fantasize about your FL dream home. Tampa Bay is a great area and home to my favorite baseball team, the Rays. I am sad that they excised the word “Devil” from their name but glad that the fish themselves continue to hold court in their tank at mezzanine level. Not sure how far north you are willing to go, but I could imagine you on the Redneck Riviera, in the Panhandle. Perhaps you have stopped in for an aperitif and a croissant at the FloraBama.

    • Ren says:

      It’s just a matter of time before they gotta move…Dad Evolution is almost 70 and while he still does MOST of the work around the place, his knees are shot and the stairs kill him…he’s all about having a ranch style house now…

      And yeah, we are fairly serious about it…neither of us have ever feared serious home improvement (I love the demolition stage) and oddly enough, as I lived here for a long time, I have a few friends who I would actually trust to, oh, move into the place and keep it up to snuff whilst we were in VA…you know, the normal daily shit- cleaning, lawns, pool, that crap…also figured free rent would be MORE than motivation to do the dang job….and we also got a lot of people up in VA who would love to hit the Sunshine state and have a place to stay…almost time share wise…. as you can see, we put some thought into this…

      And I love the panhandle, but Mr. E? Not so much LOL. He is far more cultured and shit than me.

      and they will ALWAYS be the Devil Rays….

      • Erik Schwarz says:

        70 is the new 40. Stairs, though, are anathema at any age. So on with the downsizing. Where do your parents fancy living in Florida? My parents checked out Boca Raton (too much traffic), Naples (too boring), Key West (too remote) and finally decided on Sarasota. The cultured Mr. E would no doubt enjoy the art galleries and bookshops there, and I highly recommend the little jewel of an opera house. You might like it yourself, though grand opera is perhaps too violent for your taste. As for your friends looking after the ancestral home: they must be more responsible than mine, who tend to be hooligans left over from my prep-school days or picked up since at church functions, academic conferences or other questionable venues. I would not let them near my pool with anything more complicated than a floating cooler nor onto my lawn with anything more serious than a croquet mallet.

  4. Erik Schwarz says:

    By the way, that is not a Japanese soldier in the trees of your parents’ backyard: rather it is an elderly Jewish couple that took the AutoTrain down from Rockville and got lost en route to Boca Raton. They conducted a Seder last night with the alligators, snakes and bugs. A gnat played the role of smallest child.

    • Ren says:

      Oy Vey!

      Actually the Jew Population in this neighborhood is Small….(looks at parents)…they do tend to go further south….

      COULD be a lost spring breaker who THOUGHT they hit the right turn for Daytona outta Jacksonville and was wrong though….

      • Xena says:

        LOL! 😀

      • Erik Schwarz says:

        I imagine most of them do not like to be anywhere near Mauschwitz. And the rollercoasters at Universal and racing at Daytona are probably less important to them than proximity to a decent bagel and a good cardiologist. Vey indeed.

  5. […] and PG left the cuss o meter quickly. The blogger who directed PG to the cuss o meter was Renegade Evolution. She is a fun loving sex worker, and is not Irish. (Whether the cuss o meter is Irish, or […]

  6. I love Tallahassee. Did I spell it right? I like Panama Beach and Pensacola, all the redneck riviera in Florida. 😀 Ft Myers is somewhat redneck too. Sanibel and all that, gets into the big money.

    I also like St Augustine a whole lot, its just lovely. We toured the Castillo de San Marco, you would love that as a history buff! It’s awesome!

    http://www.nps.gov/casa/index.htm

    • Ren says:

      St.a is AWESOME

      • rootietoot says:

        We’re planning a trip to St A when it cools off. I’m too dainty to endure the Fla heat past May. I suggested a trip to Daytona during Bike Week but Terry was concerned that someone would ask to see my boobs then he’d have to whup their ass. My brother lives in Tallahassee and I’m inordinately fond of their questionable architecture. Fla is fun (tho like you, Orlando ain’t my thing.).

  7. rootietoot says:

    Terry doesn’t have boobs! But in the right mood he’d whup their ass just because they might have done something in the past that deserved it.

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