Posted: March 6, 2011 in The Funny

Okay, this one goes out to my Canadian readers, namely Xena, who cracked my shit up by compairing the relationship between Canada and the US to one between a quiet, nerdy little sister (canada) and her older, moonshine swilling, loudmouth asshole brother (USA) who is constantly out picking fights and being a dick and leaving her with all the messes to clean up and explaining to do.   I guess Canada is the Lisa Simpson of the world.  SO, anyway, in honor of Canadians, I share the following tale.

Myself and Mr. E have a very good friend who, well, since we have known him, have refered to offhandedly as The Toronto Kid  (its like his Super Hero Name  lol).  TTK has been a friend of ours for years- good guy, funny, smart, knows everything one could ever possibly know about music, so on so forth, we like the TTK.  Well, at one point and time TTK and his girlfriend came down from Toronto to visit us here in…Virginia.  TTK has lived in the states before, but far prefers Canada.  His lady had maybe been to the US once before (School trip when she was a tweener, I think) and did not, in any way, have a high opinion of the US or Americans.  Anyway, they wanted to go to this big ass industrial music club in DC, so we made arrangements to go, and I was like “We are leaving at 8:30, I want to BE THERE by 9 so we can get decent parking.” 

And she looked at me like I was nuts.  “Why so early?” she asks, “nothing gets started in Torono ’til at least 10.”

So I explain to her that this place is in a part of DC where you do NOT want to leave your car just out on the street and well, I want to be there for open bar, which ends at 10.

She gives me a perplexed look and asks what open bar is, so I explain that open bar means until 10pm, drinks are free, just tip the bartender.  She is stunned.  SO we leave at 8:30, get good parking, are in the door when it opens at nine, and are headed directly to the bar.  I light up a smoke and she looks at me, once again, stunned.  “You can smoke in here?”

I nod.  Yep, you can. She lights up and follows me to the mythical Open Bar.

So, about an hour later I see her, third very strong screwdriver and cigarette in hand, and she grins at me and loudly proclaims “I LOVE AMERICA!”

I turned to Mr. E with a sage nod and said “See, building World Peace through Open Bar.”

So see, sometimes even the asshole loudmouth older bro can show his little sis a good time, even though it did involve swilling moonshine   🙂

  1. A woman customer in the store where I work, came in with her family on Christmas Eve –when all the freebie eats were being given away by vendors: mashed potatoes, 12 kindsa BBQ, pumpkin pie, various other fancy organic southern desserts. She turns to me, wipes her mouth, and says the same thing. Well, technically she says: “AMERICA… GREAT!!!!” … and plows into some more pie. She looked high as a kite on plain SUGAR!

    We shall win them with our smokes, our Open Bar, our pumpkin pies, you name it, LOL.

  2. Xena says:

    Aw shucks. You did a whole post just for me? *blushing* You shouldn’t have. Southerners had me won over by about 1989. Really.

    That comparison was as much for MY nerdy younger sister’s benefit as the baffled “transpondian” and USA-ian readers out there. Canadian Ice-Cube-Up-The-Butt attitudes toward Americans crack my shit up too 😀

    I think my sister just doesn’t get why I want to peel my unemployed quasi-homeless ass off her couch and try to find work in another country. I told her about Rootie’s good advice, about how much factory/mill work is available down south. I think S thinks I’ll end up picking fruit and falling out of a tree in some Immigration bust or something. Like Born In East LA or Harold and Kumar in Gitmo 😀 I KNOW she’s not afraid of any of the other scary shit people are always blogging about. I look like Hedwig’s mom in The Angry Inch. Same build, in my 30’s, matronly, but with longer hair. No pimp will be getting rich off my big ass any time soon. So she rants about crazy rednecks with guns. Bah. Family.

    Sis definitely needs an open bar and some pie. Georgia peach with some Southern Comfort to wash it down. Might melt that butt icecube 😉

    • Ren says:

      Heh, most of, well, hell, all the Canadians I have ever met are pretty cool, I’ve even BEEN to Canada, a few times (Edmonton and Calgary-where my Canadian Hick People are lol), and all of ’em seemed to warm up to us American assholes eventually.

      And whats wrong with crazy rednecks with guns?? I may actually FIT that profile….

    • rootietoot says:

      I think the only issue you may have in The South in the first question you will
      inevitably be asked when someone finds out you’re new to the area:
      “Have you found a church yet?”
      It’s not meant to be nosy, or evangelical, it’s just that the ones who ask that are baptists and they’re always looking for a new member so the revenues to the church will increase and help pay off the building program debt. The polite and easiest answer is “no, but thanks anyway” and then they’ll say “we’d love you have you come visit us at East/West/whatever Baptist next Sunday” and then you say “thank you!” and everyone (well most) will drop the subject and move on to who your people are and do you like to fish.

      • Xena says:

        Thanks, Rootie. You have a knack for stuff like that. Yes, religion is usually the most contentious thing in my dealings with anybody anywhere. So it’s just a thing people do, like buying soap or coffee? When somebody asks, “have you found a church?”, what they’re actually saying is something more like, “have you found the grocery store?”, or “this one has better prices, but that one has better selection,” and nobody really cares where I shop. Interesting. And helpful.

        • rootietoot says:

          It’s just a thing people do. It’s not confrontational, or nothin’ like that. Mostly it’s people over 50 and big time 3-times-a-week Baptists who ask. Understand that the culture down here is very church-oriented. I’d hazard a guess that probably 90% of the people claim membership somewhere, and churches are a key social center. I remember traveling out of the South a couple of years ago and being surprised that no,Virginia, there ISN’T a church on every corner, like there is here. However, that 90% (that’s a guess) membership doesn’t translate to 90% zealots, but mostly people who claim membership to keep their aunts and grandmothers from lecturing them during family reunions.

  3. rootietoot says:

    and I’ve really liked every single Canadian I’ve ever met, especially those 2 brothers from Montreal who announced loudly to everyone around that They Loved Terry And He Is Their Brother (Terry’s my husband). I like laid-backedness and I get that from Canadians.

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