You’re going to Baltimore? You might need…

Posted: November 29, 2010 in Humans, The Funny, Uncategorized

Money for parking, reservations, and silver bullets…

So, not too far back (think, oh, November 20th or so, in the year 2010) myself and my parole officer…er…friend…Shen headed north to Baltimore for a much needed all chick night of merriment. Our plan was simple…pack some shit, get in a car, head up the road to Charm City, go to our hotel room, chill, eat, chill, then hit probably the best industrial goth club in the area…via a taxi so we could drink and not worry about driving OR parking…have fun, come home, sleep, return South the next morning.

And so it was supposed to be…hell, I even booked a room in advance and shit.

So Friday afternoon arrives, and along with it, Shen. We wanted to leave early so as to miss the absolute terror that is Friday Rush Hour traffic in the to, through, in and around DC/Baltimore area. So I toss my bag in the car, have some tunes in hand, and off we go…

And for a moment there, we felt a bit like the Winchester Boys…We have AC/DC blasting on the stereo, cool jackets on, did I mention Shen drives a red Mustang? No? Well, Shen drives a red Mustang, we are on the freeway…and going about 30 miles an hour because even though we left early- specifically- there is so much traffic the road is a parking lot. So goes the

In case we needed to pray...

Winchester moment and sets in the annoyance with civilization. The AC/DC stayed.

Anyway, we eventually arrive in B’more, and with surprisingly little effort, find our Hotel, which is this old Historical Thing that SHOULD be a bed and breakfast, but isn’t, is close to the Inner Harbor, but, oh, a block or three into SCARY Baltimore, and across the street from a HUGE, very cool looking old church….Shen and I looked at it, shook our heads, and in unison said “Lutherans” (turned out to be Presbyterian…not that we went in and prayed, but I looked at the sign). So, we note right off…no parking. No way in hell we are parking the ‘Stang on the street, so I, looking much like my camo wearing self, go in and inquire about parking. Turns out they have a deal with the…get this…hospital… down the street. So, we go park in the hospital parking garage then hoof it the block and half of so back down to the hotel and check in.

The place was certainly historical…and they had a big grey cat who lives in the lobby. We check in and head up to our room (third floor, no ‘vators, winding staircase). The key for the room is an actual…key. We go in and laugh…wall to wall old school silk wall paper, rustic furniture, little table with china for eating…it did have a tv with cable though! All that was missing was the claw foot tub. We both decide we dig it. At this point, out comes the flask with the JD in it, and we proceed to chill watching Law and Order until food motivates us to move.

So, back out we go. We find a sub shop down the road and decide that will do. We go in. Amid the customers are a homeless dude talking to himself at a table and a gal we were pretty certain was a smack addict who was on the nod. We order our food, and the woman making the sandwiches whips out with this knife to cut them and we are like…woah…it was a sandwich machete. We get our food, head back, eat it…damn good sandwiches I must say…then chill until it is time to head out.

So I'm a hick, deal with it.

Head out time arrives. We suit up. Shen looks like a dang gunslinger…I think it’s the leather duster, and I..well, look like the lost Tremor Brother as is typical…but yes, I will wear this belt and buckle (the buckle was my B-Day present from Shen, oddly enough) to a goth/industrial club. So we head out to get a cab, we do so, and the cabbie is surprisingly nice We get there. Where, you might ask? Well…here…

I know all the classy places!

Dude do I totally take my friends to all the nicest places or what??? And we are early. And it is cold. So we hang outside smoking, waiting for the place to open, when this gal comes flying around the corner looking a bit paranoid. Kind of a rockabilly looking gal, and obviously younger than us. She asks if she can hang with us because she thinks someone might be following her (gotta love Charm City), we say yes. So the three of us are now chillin’, turns out her friend is DJ’ing there, we’re chatting, and then the bartender arrives…and gets his car kicked and yelled at by some passing Urban Youth as he is trying to park. It was a bit surreal, actually. He makes it inside, yelling a bunch of shit most of us would not say but were thinking, then one of the DJ arrives and asks Shen and I to make sure his gear does not get stolen as he is running it inside, we do so, then we finally go in and head directly to the bar…

The bartender apologizes for his tirade, we say we can understand why he was pissed…then we go sit somewhere, and come to the horrible realization that while for eons untold Friday Nite has been industrial/goth nite at this place…they have changed the format to Rave Music. That’s what I get for not checking their website and just assuming things would be as they should be in the goddamn universe just ONCE. This does not please us, but not much we can do- and truth be told, it was pretty obvious everyone else there knew the Gunslinger and the Lost Tremor were there on the wrong night…we did not blend amid all the color and glow sticks and baggy ass hippy meets the early 80’s clothes (parachute pants, I shit you not). So we do what we can do at this point…hit the flask (ah yes, no metal detectors), the bar, and snark at people. Which we can apparently do with impunity, as the girl from the door (Lara) comes to join us because she is being harassed by some dude, and it has been determined amidst the amazingly colorful (and most of them high as hell on X and blow) ravers in attendance that we are scary and best left alone…

This never fails to amuse me, ffs, I am 5’2″ and I was not wearing heels.

Anyway, Lara heads off to speak with some of her friends, and Shen and I notice something…she and a couple other folk are wearing tails. Like animal tails, attached to their pants, so it looks like they have tails. This perplexes us. We are wondering what the tails stand for or mean. We ponder on this, then finally (after hitting the flask again) I say “Maybe they are Furries?” And I cannot think of furries without thinking of that episode of CSI…we ponder on this for a bit, then Lara returns, and Shen says “hey, what are the tails for?”

And Lara says, grinning and no hesitation. “I’m a Furry.”

Shen and I do not crack up. It took some willpower. We ask if all the tailed people are Furries. Yep, seems they are. She is telling us about the Furry thing when this woman, who either has five years on me, or looks like she has 5 years on me, and is dressed like Cyndi Lauper from the 80’s, when she really should not be, comes by and pet’s Lara’s tail.

Well, poor Lara looked like a Furry in headlights I tell ya. I figure its kinda like people touching my hair without permission, but Lara says “Oh god, I just pictured her naked…” Shen loses it and tells her “Honey, don’t visualize.” Lara calms herself, attempting to erase the thought from her head, then looks at me, noticing my necklace and says…

“Are you wearing a necklace with live rounds on it?”

Ren arches a brow. “Maybe.”

She asks to see it, questioning about what type of bullets and what they are used for then she notes one of them, a .9mm…is…Silver.

Why yes, I do have a silver bullet…..

The Tails! It's a sign!

And I have never seen a person step away from me like I was Satan faster than that. It was FUNNY. I promise her that I have never shot a Furry in my life, its strictly for werewolves. Okay, no, I mostly have it because I think it is funny and cool. She accepts this answer, continues to speak with us, and Shen and I learn that Baltimore, believe it or not, is like the Furry Capitol of the Mid Atlantic…

Now, I knew that both DC and Baltimore had decent sized BDSM scenes and such, but this was something I did not realize, and Shen and I come to know we are surrounded by…Raver Furries!

We are suddenly glad I actually have a Silver Bullet! At this point we go out to smoke, snark about Ravers, and play spot the Furries. After a few coffin nails, we go back in, Shen is chatting with Lara, and a fellow in a tail comes to talk to me. Not my type. I show him the Silver Bullet. It works. The bartender laughs at me and says “I KNEW you two were here on the wrong night!” I reply that this used to be industrial night! He nods and says they changed over about two months ago. I grumble about driving all the way from Manassass in Friday Traffic and getting a room to come here for my B-Day to hear some dang Ministry and its goddamn hippy raver night. He looks at me, notes my belt buckle, notes Shen (who is standing near by) in her gunslinger coat, laughs again…and then gives me a shot of Jack and a beer free of charge. I like this bartender…

So, the night winds down and we head out, folk are gathering up their things and heading out. Lara and her DJ friends invite us to come to their after party, we decline and call a cab. I am amazingly amused to learn that one of our raver DJ’s work name is DJ Twitch. So we wait for our cab…and wait, and wait, then Shen calls back and gets medieval on them…the cab arrives, and I tell you this…

That freakin’ cabby should be in NASCAR.

So, we get back to our hotel, sleep, get up, I learn hot water is fleeting in our hotel, pack up, and head home…and realize we never got charged for parking! Score!

And snicker about Furries, Silver Bullets, Ravers and humans in general, while listening to AC/DC doing maybe 50 in the ‘Stang all the way home.

So yes, if you are going to Charm City? Make sure you have money for parking, reservations, and silver bullets.

  1. Mr.Grim says:

    Thanks I snarfed my soup…too funny.

  2. I think my neighbours must think a warlock lives here, I was cackling so much.

    It sucks that your night away didn’t go according to plan, but the story was worth the telling!

    I absolutely loved the furries and the silver bullet – that was just too classic *shakes head*

  3. I met first met Furries at DragonCon, they were making very strange “faces” at each other… I assume what are supposed to be animal faces or something. I was very intrigued by the facial expressions and wondered if they could actually “read” them. Some seemed to be carrying on entire facial/nonverbal “conversations”. Hm.

    So I told some guys at work about these “faces” and one of them laughed himself silly… gonna have to show him this post! 🙂

  4. Sheniver says:

    What we always have the best times when we head out into the unknown. At least it didn’t take 3 hours to find the place….

  5. Fidelbogen says:

    Oh gads, if it ain’t the accursed MUDFLAP GRRL on that-thar belt!

  6. Carson D Carson says:

    Heh. You always have such amusing stories when you go out… My local tavern of choice is mild by comparison…

  7. rootietoot says:

    I only know what furries are because of CSI. Here in S’boro, they would be shot and their tails tied to the whip antenna.
    Still…it sounds like a…yuh…really interesting trip!

  8. Sounds like fun! Happy Birthday!

  9. sladegirl says:

    How could I not know that my own city is the furry capital of the mid Atlantic? Jeez. I’m glad you had that silver bullet on you. Orpheus has gotten to be kind of shit lately, though. Too bad.

  10. TexGuy says:

    Had some furry friends in college, . What gets funny is when SCA people start talking about how Furries are weird because of how they dress, and I have to be like “Uhm, dude? You’re wearing a suit of armor. Also? It’s Texas. And it’s July.”

    I figure that while some groups are weirder than others, every group is going to have its crazies on the extremes. For Furries, they have the Yiffers (who freak out the Furries about as much as they freak anybody else out), Trekkies have the guys who suit up in the uniforms and talk like everything is real… and somewhere between those two groups, there is a dude in a Fox costume wearing a Starfleet uniform. I’m not making this up, I saw it in Dallas. I was impressed, but disinclined to go over to him to ask about it.

  11. Sheniver says:

    And we were invited back for Fetish Night – I think though they just want to see Ren lead me on a collar….. or did they think they wanted to see Ren’s sadist size run free?…..

    A friend pays your bail, a real friend…….

  12. Aspasia says:

    What the door looks like doesn’t matter so much as what goes on behind it.

    Looks like you had an awesome birthday, lady!

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