In Defense of *Sadists

Posted: October 27, 2010 in Kink/BDSM

  (yeah, those are mine)

Sooo, been out checking out what’s going on in Bloganistan since my…ok, since I dropped off the face of the earth and went native or whatever.  Anyhoo, I was over at Snowdrops and saw his post about Male Sadists, and have read a whole lotta stuff on BDSM here in various places lately, by those into BDSM, and I decided, what the hell?

How is it that I, freaking henchwoman sell out pornfied me, manages to really not be as “genderfied” as so many folk?  Okay, sure, fake boobies and long hair.  Okay, sure, gets annoyed sometimes when my Dude Friends are like “you are such a Dude”,  okay, sure, gets annoyed when so much about “aggressive or butch” seems to be confined to lesbians…so on, so forth, who gives a shit really?  I am who I am- I have the wiring and the biology I have, thus is life, amen.  But you know…

A person with a sadistic bent is  person with a sadistic bent.   “Creepy People” in (or out) of BDSM come in ALL KINDS of flavors.  And maybe, just maybe, this rant will “mean less” to folk because, oh shit, I’m a woman….and if it does, well then fuck you if you say you do not buy into gender.

When I am of the mood, I am a sadist…and not the nicey nice type the BDSM community often tries to promote.  The loving top who helps explore, heal, care for?  The person who looks for deeper meaning and connection?  The person into the psyche and spirit of it all?  Not it. It’s not an “oh damn I am hardcore” thing either, its a “you know, I get off on hurting you thing, and if you are into that, awesome, game on, cause I am gonna hurt you” kind of thing.   Oh, and after I am done getting off and all that…yeah, not so much with the loving I respect you and think you are wonderful shit.  Hell, my b-day is coming up, I could go for a sub pain slut who wants to go slum and then…go away…of ANY gender!!  All those horrible things people think about: non-con fantasies, serious pain, mayhem, absolute control, unmigitagated viciousness….guess what?  I think about all that.  I have fantasies about that- as the aggressor.  (Hell, I write Rictor AND the General). And you know what I find creepy?  The people (two in mind specifically, one woman, one man) who have LET me, hell, ASKED me, to be HORRIBLE and vile to them and…LIKED it.  To me?  THAT is creepy.  To me anyway, cause I am an asshole.  And a woman.

But you know, aside from the occassional fight, where shit, at my size, I am likely to get stomped…and well, my charming attitude?  I’ve never gone or done anything of that nature when not invited to do so.  Period.  Thought about it?  Hell yes.  Maybe manipulated at it a wee bit?  Okay, probably.  But I have never not respected someones no or gone in when lack of consent was even a possibility.  EVER.

My head might go there, but *I* don’t.  AND THAT, I think is typical of BDSM inclined Sadists, male or female, and *THAT* is what makes us different from “THOSE PEOPLE”  of either gender (and they do exist.)  Hell, most of the full on BDSM people are a shit ton more considerate than I am.

Are there bad apples?  Hell yes, but tell me where you do not find those?


(funny side note, in my bloggy history, I have met 3 women who ID as top/sadists, 2 men who do the same, and the exact same number, gender wise, who ID as bottoms/masochists or switches.)

  1. Roy Kay says:

    I hope you DO get a chance to play. (Eh, you might not like the word “play”, but there isn’t a better one that comes to mind.) I suppose “Ahhhhh, you hit like a girl” is NOT a safeword.

    The people I have met tend to be respectful in negotiations regardless of how they feel otherwise.

    • Ren says:

      i could play whenever I wanted, I generally choose not to for…well…obvious reasons. And You Hit Like a Girl might land someone in the ER, which I KNOW, hence, I do not play too often.

      When I say someone actually into Pain, i don’t just sorta mean it.

      • Roy Kay says:

        Well, you have a post up about one rather nasty playdate you had. If some express an interest with no qualifiers, you can always point them there to verify.

        If you wanted to bypass the creepy factor, you could always partner up with and aftercare wingman – someone who swopes in after your left your toy in a heap and does “clean-up”. The toy would get the aftercare, but you wouldn’t have a hand in it or even have to see it. Then they would be available again another time.

  2. My head might go there, but *I* don’t. AND THAT, I think is typical of BDSM inclined Sadists, male or female, and *THAT* is what makes us different from “THOSE PEOPLE” of either gender (and they do exist.) Hell, most of the full on BDSM people are a shit ton more considerate than I am.

    Yes, THAT!

    Oh, and BDSM online communities have regular threads of “UNsafe words” that will result in Hell being unleashed, “you hit like a girl” is usually near the top of the list.

  3. Sheniver says:

    Sigh – true sadists I’ve met well it’s actually 2. People who THINK they get off on it a lot more. It’s like a true masochist I’ve yet to meet one…..

  4. Thanks for this, Ren. I’m tired of the fight right now, as I said earlier, but yeah, nice to have someone in my corner with this.

    I find myself kinda wondering why people haven’t yet rushed in to save my girl from me yet. Probably got more to do with keeping a low profile these days, but part of me is wond’rin’: Is it still that “women aren’t scary” thing? Maybe it’s that they know very well she’d kill them if they started with her. 😉 With sparkles. 😉

    “My head might go there, but *I* don’t.”

    Yeah. I mean, you’re coming at it from “I don’t do aftercare, deal or leave” and I’m coming at it, these days, from being in a relationship with someone I love and can easily imagine being with forever, and those are different but… the underlying “I want someone who wants what’s in my head” is the same. And that’s the difference.

    • Ren says:

      lol, sigh, it would be nice to find someone who was all into what’s in my head, alas…well, I’d prolly think they were creepy LOL

  5. Lord Sodit says:

    So, you fantasize but you’d never actually do it. Something feminists seem incapable of understanding, the difference between fantasy and reality. I think men better at that than women – after all, women think of themselves as more cautious about sex whether that’s really true or not (and ‘feminists’ seem determined to march women back to feeble ‘Victorian Virgins’)

    Men watch all sorts of porn. Would they ever find a woman to do it? Would they hire a prostitute knowing that it’s ‘just a job’? Some would, most would feel far more sickened that there’s no ‘relationship’ there than feminists touting their vibrator so they can avoid relationship!

    You don’t need to be a prude to feel “This is uncomforable, there’s a draught, aw fuck it let’s just get into bed and cuddle up”!

    • Ren says:

      actually, i’d argue with the men are better at it thing. True enough, more men watch porn than women- but well, there are a lot, and I mean a lot, of women who read racey fiction or romance novels…affectionately known as “bodice rippers” or “housewife porn” amid various folk-and then engage in a little fantasy and self love… maybe its a visual versus cerebral thing, who knows.

      • rootietoot says:

        “maybe its a visual versus cerebral thing, who knows.”
        Yes, this. Visual does nothing for me, it’s all about what’s in my head. Yay for bodice rippers!

      • This, yeah. A lot of women are into words and not pictures.

        For me, I like pictures because they make me want sex as a very immediate thing… like, my mind doesn’t do much thinking about what it sees, I just get excited. With stories, unless they’re *exactly* matched to my kinks (like, say, some of the things my gf writes) I enjoy them and find them erotic, but it’s a more mental thing. It’s “Hmm, this will be nice to think about for a while, including when I masturbate later” rather than “Now I am very turned on.”

        Visual porn (whether actual pictures/movies of people fucking, or drawings, or whatever) does the first. I really enjoy both, but what I like about each is different. I understand that many women don’t like visual stuff but honestly that rather confuses me.

        I still remember the first time I masturbated to a picture. Embarrassingly enough, it was a picture of Dani Filth (fully clothed, in chain mail I think) in some kind of torture chair, covered in fake blood. I put on a song I liked and went to town, curious about why men look at pictures while they get themselves off. It was rather a revelation: “Hey, whoa, that does help! A lot! Damn!”

        • In a roundabout way, though, I suspect part of this has to do with being a top. Most porn involves people (usually women, though you can find this of men too if you really look) looking like they want to be penetrated in various ways. My brain pretty much automatically reacts to that with “Great idea!” *snerk*

          I suspect that visual porn (or even some porny drawings/art) resonate less with women who may not be into that, both because visual media may excite them less and also because it’s *usually* presented in a way that’s more geared toward turning the penetrator on than the penetratee.

  6. Beste says:

    I had a friend describe Twilight as porn for women.

  7. Morgan says:

    I do wonder if the cuddly let-me-take-care-of-you style of aftercare isn’t sometimes secretly more about what the top needs after a scene… “let me take care of you because I just hurt you and I need to reassure myself that I’m not a bad person.”

    Personally, my ‘aftercare’ is having something hot to drink, since my core temperature seems to drop after a scene. Beyond that, well… I like pain. I don’t need cuddles and praise to somehow make up for the pain, afterwards.

    • I think you’re right. I’ve met a fair few bottoms who, unless we did something particularly intense for us that let out the demons in both of us really strongly, were all like “Thank you, Sir. Let me wipe down the equipment and bring the toybags over while you go sit down and finish your water.” Cuddling frequently ensued after that, but it wasn’t really Let Me Fix Everything Now. And I was the tired one, usually.

      Some bottoms are in a really altered state for a while, and that requires some comedown. But the “I have drop and need to be reassured” was most often me with top drop, exactly as you describe.

  8. Infra says:

    My head might go there, but *I* don’t. AND THAT, I think is typical of BDSM inclined Sadists, male or female, and *THAT* is what makes us different from “THOSE PEOPLE” of either gender (and they do exist.)

    This is why I’ve found Sir C’s guideline (mentioned by the late Flagg in _The Forked Tongue_) useful. It’s something that she called “The Right of Final Refusal:” the sub is free to say no at any time, but that no is a final no. It isn’t just that scene that stops, it’s everything. It’s immediate — and permanent.

    Flagg’s point was that this places intense ethical responsibility upon the dom. If you have a sub that you like, you’ll want to make sure that you can continue to top with them — and that means never pushing them to the point at which that Right will be invoked. It also means choosing your sub carefully. And it’s not that this applies only in the context of extended contracts; the same kind of thing can apply in the context of a community. If that Right’s invoked, you’re out.

    The difference between people who go there and people who don’t? When it comes to the second, that consequence matters to them.

    Personally, I’ve found that aftercare is required (if only by a wingman) in certain circumstances, even if I’m not a particular fan of it. That’s simply a result of the intensity of the work. I mean, if you’re building paranoia for a couple of weeks, or more, culminating it in an intense interrogation scene… getting the sub stable again is a priority. Personal preference doesn’t come into that. It’s a safety measure.

    (BTW, if you haven’t read _TFT_ before, I’d highly recommend it. Not many books address that side of the practice, and it might be up your alley.)

  9. steve says:


    You scare me, but is that a bad thing?? I would love to experience, but I may be falling in to the eyes are bigger than the stomach category. Or more directly ” You have unleashed Hell, now good luck trying to put it back into the bottle”

    Nevertheless… Fascinatinating.

  10. jillbrenneman says:

    I readily admit being a true sub. Not a fan of aftercare. Not that I ever really have gotten much of it either but as a sub my emotional well being is my responsibility. I’m a purist. I’ve also done a ton of pro sub work. Which doesn’t usually get aftercare so I’m a hardass about it.

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