Quite a Character…

Posted: March 20, 2010 in Humans, In The Neck, Personal

 So, yeah, here I am, a week + a little since my surgery.  What, with the goggles (thanks Vlad!), hair that hasn’t been washed since…er…the surgery (stitches gotta stay dry and all), smirk, and scars that literally now have…er…scars, I figure I gotta be a real eye sore unless you’re, ahem, into that whole Tremor Brother thing…hell, I feel a bit like I escaped from one of my own stories, actually….though I might require more ink to pull that shit off…heh.

But you know, for a gal with disturbingly greasy hair and a seven inch gash in her neck, I feel pretty good.  Shit, I’ve been attempting to be civil and make reasonable with some folk I would generally just go ballistic on.  Despite the fact that I am itchy as hell, glaring down the Moon Hut of the She-Wolf sister, and dealing with other various pressure causing crap, I am, in general, in a pretty decent mood.  Normally I would say it’s the pain killers, but I really have not been taking a ton of those- certainly not enough to make me I drank the kool-aid happy anyway. 

So I am kind of wondering what it is.  I mean, not that I’m complaining, but its… weird.  It’s a very different state from normal for me.  I mean yeah, sure, I still get angry and ranty and snide and ponder doing horrible things to people with automatic weapons…but it’s not been my default setting here lately.   I’ve been surprisingly…serene.  Yeah, that’s a good word: serene.   Hell, I don’t expect it to last, I rarely expect anything good to, but yeah, I’m kinda enjoying it.

And of course, with the mellow comes the pondering and all…

Blog title post…how many of you have heard that expression?  “S/He’s quite a character?”  You ever note that it’s usually not a compliment?  I mean, there can be a good spin to it; that person is funny, or entertaining, or what have ya, but usually there is also the implication that said person is also an asshole, or not real in some way, or is, well, off?    Heh, well, I’ve heard that expression a lot in my day.  It was one of those things teachers would write in my year books and shit…usually number two right behind what “an interesting” person I was.   And well, I am an asshole, but still…  you know, I actually spent parts of my life trying to tone shit down and be like other people-  talk about a depressing and soul killing experience.  It honestly irks me that we as a society encourage that shit.   I mean, at least when I go out with my gross hair and goggles and scars upon scars and shit, I know who the fuck I am.   I can look in a mirror at all that shit and grin.  I can not care that I don’t have the perfect this season hair cut or perfect skirt and sweater combination and the perfect make up and nice skin and straight teeth and all that shit.  I mean, in a world of that?  Hell yes, fuck it is better to be a character…and I look way cooler with a chainsaw! 

And sure, people look at me funny…but you know, I could be dressed in LL Bean and as soon as I opened my mouth people would look at me funny anyway.  I look around at people I know- people my age- and part of me thinks “When did you all die?  When did you become every single thing you hated?  When did you give up each and every one of your dreams just to fit in and be normal and accepted…when did the fucking Body Snatchers come for you?”   If that shit makes me a character, then damn, I’ll see you in cartoons, you know?

I realize as one gets older, life changes, people change, things have to be done differently.  It happens to all of us in one way or another- what I do not get is trashing everything to be…just like everyone else.

That scares the hell out of me.    I’ll take the greasy hair, goggles and scars, please…even if it does keep me out of all the nice parties.

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Comments
  1. Ernest Greene says:

    Truly moving. One of the very best posts ever.

  2. So I am kind of wondering what it is. I mean, not that I’m complaining, but its… weird. It’s a very different state from normal for me.

    When I read that question my immediate thought for the answer was…

    I mean, at least when I go out with my gross hair and goggles and scars upon scars and shit, I know who the fuck I am.

    Then I thought that if I said something along those lines, it might come over as a bit ruder than I would have intended it, so I’m kind of glad you went there first. But there is something very relaxing about having some way to excuse being oneself on the outside for a change. It sucks that society is so image-conscious that we even need an excuse.

    Incidentally – yes, on some people all those things would be an eyesore, but they somehow suit you and I think it’s because you look comfortable (emotionally – physically with the mad itching not so much!) with it.

    None of which says you’re better off staying with a massive scar on your neck of course (that would rather seem to defeat the object of the surgery, as I understand it!)

    • Ren says:

      Oh, the scars aren’t going away…I’m am trading out scars (much like kids trade Pokemon cards!)… I am exchanging burn scars for surgery scars- which may in fact end up LOOKING “worse”, but will allow for greater mobility in my neck and will be flatter. There will ALWAYS be scars on my neck now, they will just be different ones from the ones I had before.

  3. dead_vladimir says:

    1) ahem, glad you like the goggles
    2) you know how I feel about that whole charater thing
    3) just remember, even thoguh when you are out like that, you might know who the fuck you are, it still pays to be polite to the po po
    4) a lot of people leither lied to themselves or tohers about what their dreams were, they were never the person you thought they were , they were the stepford drone all along, just waiting to sell out , just no one was willing to buy when they were younger

    or b) they were lsot inthe lure of material things,
    the beliefs they espoused turend out no t to be more important than a suv anf big screen tv

  4. dead_vladimir says:

    oh and the serentiy might be that finally there is movement on the whole remvoe the scar thign other than the poke my neck with shots

  5. TrinityVA says:

    This post right here is why I love you.

  6. Stone Fox says:

    this is definitely my favorite of your posts. a small insight into the calm under the chaos.

    the world needs more characters and less Stepfords, i think. who wants to be just like everyone else? BOR-ING.

  7. Gaina says:

    Who wants to fit in? IMHO you can get along with people perfectly well without compromising and ounce of yourself.

    The way I see it, the people who are intimidated by your (or my) appearance and don’t have the brains to actually find out what’s going on underneath are people you’re going to want to strangle very quickly anyway so you’re just cutting out the pointless bullshit in the middle.

  8. rootietoot says:

    Hey! I LIKE my twinset and and pearls! Fitting in works, in that when one fits in one is invisible and can commit acts of heathenry without suspicion.

    On the other hand, some people wear fitting in like a sandpaper suit, and it just doesn’t work.

    Like I said a while back, you distract them while I do something subversive.

  9. little light says:

    Fuck the nice parties, I’m a goody-goody and I don’t get invited either.

    Thanks for this, Ren.

  10. mr.grim says:

    ……..AMEN

  11. Kristin says:

    I’ve been lurking ever since you moved to the new place, but this is my first comment over here.

    This post is awesome. You rock. Seriously.

  12. lissy says:

    Who wants to go to ‘nice’ parties anyway? I’ve often been called a character, and as far as I can figure that just seems to mean that people can’t conveniently dump you into one of their internal categories…

  13. Lisa KS says:

    I think you are happy about something fundamental to yourself; I know exactly the mindset you describe and for me, it’s always happened after a I’ve gotten through some time that’s challenged my self-identity and come out victorious. Go Ren! 🙂

    People always tell me I’m unusual, and it’s clear from the way that statement’s generally delivered that it isn’t exactly a compliment–it’s more that they can’t for the life of them imagine how I got to be who I am. It’s uncomfortable and isolating but it’s also cool to know that you’re such an individual that even people who are generally clueless on the topic of not-everyone-is-basically-identical-to-me-BULLSHIT-of-course-they are! can’t ignore it.

  14. Roy Kay says:

    Eh, I’d probably be described as “quite a character” since way back. I was (in 1968) an 11th Commandment Republican who would take my briefcase emblazon with GOP bu,per stickers into SDS meetings and genially discuss agreements and disagreements. Likewise, I would note to my GOP friends that I didn’t think we were that far from SDS on a number of issues. Mainly I was a Libertarian who fell in easy with both groups – and decidedly not with Democrats.

    I’ve always been pro-free-enterprise while being of the opinion that the state should butt out of the bedroom and what someone was toking – and still am. I’ve been pro-Iraq War while being anti USAPatriot Act. Intensely Anti-Communist, while looking askance at the rightwing fixation on “Godless Communism”. My style is “Eh, I like these colors. They seem to go.”, nor caring one wit about whether it’s “natural” fiber of polyester. I look at a business suit as a chance to decorate myself (I like ties), and used to wear flannel with a shirt and tie in derivation of the standard business get up.

    And you know, I take “quite a character” as compliment. It mean they have acclimated to having to deal with ME, and given up on me acclimating to deal with them. Not that I intend to be too ornery about it. No reason not to give the random stranger a break in traffic or aid a friend in need. All part of the “character” I LIKE to be. But as I say, I expect the world to acclimate to me. It’s worth its while. An as long as I get that, let ’em roll their eyes. I might even roll my eyes with ’em.

  15. Deb Sens says:

    THIS. This is one of the most moving posts I have read here. Being a character is a good thing! It means you have a mind iof your own and think for yourself. Personality quirks and eccentracy are good things!

  16. “And well, I am an asshole, but still… you know, I actually spent parts of my life trying to tone shit down and be like other people- talk about a depressing and soul killing experience. It honestly irks me that we as a society encourage that shit.”

    A million times agreed! On the one hand, I try not to live in a bubble and interact with others but on the other hand I really hate having to censor my thought on certain subjects that I am very passionate about. It’s not as though I can’t discuss them with civility, because I always do, but it’s that other people can’t accept my thoughts with civility.

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