Chicken Fried Funny- Surly Hick Style (aka, Part II)

Posted: February 24, 2010 in Assholes, The Funny


So, we shall begin with a bit of background.  I, er, had some work to do on Saturday.  The film kind.  As I am about to have surgery, I am trying to get shit done before that happens, and that includes work related shit.  So myself and my Partner in WebSite crime (henceforth referred to as PWSC) did some work on Saturday and were attempting to squeeze in as much other work as possible before surgery time. 

Now, as it happens, when doing this sort of thing, one often has to Hire Other Performers.  Such is the nature of the business.  So on Tuesday PWSC gives me a ring in the mornin’ and says he has some people he would like to book, but since I am his partner and all as well as main performer, well, he wants me to okay them first and would I mind being in on a conference call.  I hate phones.  Hate them.  However, this is bid’ness so, okay.  So he sets it all up and the call is in progress and me, him, and this gal who he was thinking of booking are on the phone.  I have done all of say hello at this point, but I am listening whilst the two of them are discussing.   Now, he is talking about the scene he wants to hire her for.  I do not do much in the way of girl on girl (as in, no thanks bellow the waist unless-devices are used- by me), but I will do scenes where there is another girl IN them.  At this point, I have already determined Other Porn Girl on the Phone is a snot ass thinks she is better than everyone Diva who is all of, oh, 25 or so.  And why yes, I have seen her photos, and while cute and decidedly girl next store All-American looking, she is not the hottest thing on the planet but damn if she isn’t talking like she is.   Now, half of me wants to get really hostile at this point…it’s like “come on, kid, if you suck and fuck on film Just Like The Rest of us Gals in this business, you have to realize that trying to act like you deserve an Academy Award and your own private make up crew and cases of special bottled water and all you are so damn special is stretching it a bit, esp. if you are pondering booking with Outlaws like us and are not out workin’ for Vivid in Cali or something”….  I resist this urge.   But it is like Come on You Pretentious Bitch, You are In Porn, Just like US, the only ass-kissin’ around here gets done on film! 

 Anyway…. I already don’t like her.

 But have said nothing.  Aside from “Hello”.

 So, as she is annoying the fuck outta me with her arrogance, PWSC is trying to be very polite (if he has a fatal flaw it is that he is toooo fuckin’ nice), and explaining the basic idea for the scene, and suddenly she cuts him off and says “Well, who is the other girl?”

 He says, “Well, it will probably be Ren.”

 At which point (either not caring or apparently forgetting that I am also on the phone), Diva goes off with the following rant:

“God I hope she is not local!  All the local girls here are like these horrible, tattooed, chain smoking stupid red-neck sluts with fake boobs, ugly trucks and guns!”

 I crack the fuck up.  Literally, like start laughing on the phone.  At which point PWSC  is like “oh hell…”

 I actually speak at this point, long enough to say I have no truck and ask her where her degrees are from…and point out that she is actually a bleached blonde, whereas I am not.   She gets all huffy.  I press her about the degree thing- not because I actually care, but because she has done pissed me the fuck off.  I also then remind her when one makes money fucking on film it is not real slick or even remotely intelligent to call other women who do the same thing sluts.  And, I add, I am really more of a hick.

 PWSC actually laughs at this point.    She calls me a choice name or two…ones that mostly have to do with being white, less than wealthy,  and, well…figure it out. 

 PWSC finally gets shit under control and says “Well, do you want to shoot a scene or not”..

 And Diva says “Well, I could use the money…”

 I laugh again.  At which point I notice that in this whole conversation…. what with her hate on for tattooed chain smoking fake boob having gun owning redneck sluts…I am the only one on the phone without a notable Southern Accent????

 I ask her where she is from.  She answers Philly…I say NO, where are you FROM…

 (Answer…West Va.  Do I sense some self-loathing here maybe??)

 Anyway, I then inform everyone involved as co-fiend on this here venture, the only scene I would pay her to do with us is one that involves me, her, my strap on, and Hell.  Then I hung up.

 Diva won’t be working with us.

  1. rootietoot says:

    “God I hope she is not local! All the local girls here are like these horrible, tattooed, chain smoking stupid red-neck sluts with fake boobs, ugly trucks and guns!”

    I’m down to half a pack a day, thank you, and Lucretia is a GTO, not a truck.

    Poor girl.

  2. TrinityVA says:

    “God I hope she is not local! All the local girls here are like these horrible, tattooed, chain smoking stupid red-neck sluts with fake boobs, ugly trucks and guns!”


    Diva won’t be working with us.

    Damn straight she won’t.

    You win at life, Ren.

  3. dead_Vladimir says:

    you’re nicer than me. I for sure woul do fmade sure we did a “shoot” with her.

  4. dead_Vladimir says:

    you’re nicer than me. I for sure would of made sure we did a “shoot” with her.

  5. Roy Kay says:

    “I could use the money”

    That’s the FIRST thing to remember in negotiations (and I am a sucky negotiator). Almost every effort should be made to ensure that MORE money is forthcoming, not less. You can’t up-sell from un-sell.

    • rootietoot says:

      well, it seems she’s young yet. People who lack experience and are compensatiing for something seem to adopt this “you can’t afford me, you should be grateful to have me” attitude. She’ll either learn or she won’t. (funny, someone gave me a similar lecture regarding my 3rd child recently)

      One day, Lucretia will be the *real* Beast of the East, and will be posted on police dashboards all up and down the seaboard. I just know it 🙂

  6. “All the local girls here are like these horrible, tattooed, chain smoking stupid red-neck sluts with fake boobs, ugly trucks and guns!”

    Damn, sounds like FUN! Why settle for less? 😛

  7. Iloveacarcrash says:

    At least you finally came to the truth about yourself after all these years. I am sure people have been telling you that you’re a sleazy white trash dirt bag for a long time now. It’s good that you’ve finally accepted it and embraced it fully. You do lack some of the primary characteristics of the subhuman speices: you’re not a bleached blonde, you don’t appear to have stretch marks or lots of inbred baby having scars, you’re not stupid, and you apparently have all your teeth. But you do have a bunch of ugly tattoos that look like you got them in prison, a bad boob job, dress like a hillbilly tramp, openly brag about your addiction to cigarettes, seem to drink hard liqour, possibly do Meth, talk about cars, guns and fights all the time, and you are almost 40 and you are still fucking for money. Truthfully, considering your sleazy lifestyle, I’m amazed you are in good shape at all and not full of diseases.

    Considering the types of films you do and the things you say, I am not sure why you wonder at all what people think about you and expect anyone who isn’t just like you to respect you in the least. Most normal people do not limit their relations with others to fighting or spreading their legs.

    You may not spend all day on your back in a busted trailer, but you might as well.

    • rootietoot says:

      *am pondering this*

      “Considering the types of films you do and the things you say, I am not sure why you wonder at all what people think about you and expect anyone who isn’t just like you to respect you in the least. Most normal people do not limit their relations with others to fighting or spreading their legs. ”

      When was the last fight we had, Ren? Umm….can’t remember. I’m unclear as to when leg-spreading was ever involved, either. In my experience, normal people kinda suck. They’re boring. HOwever, if one is willing to make even the teensiest effort, it’s possbile to see more in a person than what’s right there on the surface. You don’t even have to scuff it with steel wool to find it, either. So I’m thinking carcrashperson, that perhaps you’re the one who’s having issues with stereotyping, a little bit. Not that Ren needs me to defend her, it’s just that you seem a little, I dunno…myopic, especially since fighting and leg-spreading aren’t the only things she ever talks about, or limits her relations to…I mean, from *my* perspective, anyway. such as it is.

    • Ren says:

      Cousin Sadie, is that you?????

    • Ren says:

      Oh, and does this theoretical trailer have AC and Net Access???

      • In fact, most double wide trailers do actually have A/C and Internet access…or at least, most of the ones I’ve seen in my neck of the woods.

        And only people who are so scared of what they have between their legs would openly insult other people for spreading theirs. Hateful much, MultipleCarCrash???


    • rootietoot says:

      Y’know…(ok, you don’t. no reason why you should) I lived in a busted trailer for 2 years, because it was all we could afford without going on govt assistance. I resent that little stereotype.

    • Eli says:

      Was this supposed to be parody? Because I don’t think it’s particularly funny.

      If it’s supposed to be serious, carcrash, then I’d say that what you reveal here about your bases for respecting others does you little credit, and also you shouldn’t assume the universality of your opinions.

    • Ahhhh…dewd (or madam):

      Last time I remembered, Ren only plays the “White Trash” card on occasion.

      I do believe that she still has that degree from Duke University…and they don’t sell those at the local trailer park.

      Having tats, fake boobs, and a taste for alcohol arem’t the worst thing in the world….and even trailer parks are shelter against nature’s storms.

      I for one doesn’t smoke or drink, and hasn’t lived in a trailer park…but I know of many good folk who do….and I certainly know not to knock those who might be lower in stature than I am, simply because I can easily go back there.

      Better to roll with “White trash” who at least knows how to have fun than pretentious no-fun-loving assholes any day of the week.


    • Roy Kay says:

      I should really have let this parody of analysis go unremarked, but …

      >Most normal people do not limit their relations with others to fighting or spreading their legs.

      You apparently have never caught Ren in her unguarded tender moments. Very well. They are well guarded for a reason. Ren has spent much of her life in a political and legal war zone – and learned the requisite arts.

      That said, she has indeed reached out to others in aid. Some have turned on her afterward. “Let no good deed go unpunished.” Others remember and esteem her well. Only a fool would spurn her good graces, but perhaps a fool would never gain those graces in the first place.

      My guess is that if we traded the world we have for a world full of Rens, we would turn a very tidy profit on the deal.

  8. Oh, that was hilarious! All this hoity-toity stuff and then, “well, I could use the money…”

    And of course the list of characteristics our illustrious God Emperor of Rome exhibits was just perfect… it could have been written for a sitcom (hey, has anyone ever made a sitcom set in a website porn business? That would be such a cool programme if they did it properly!)

  9. Carson D Carson says:

    That’s too rich. And I’d like to see that strap on in hell scene someday…

  10. And as for Ms. Me The Pretentious Diva…..

    Perhaps Dewdette is not thoughtful enough or mature enough to understand that one way NOT to get a gig is to directly insult the person whom you are going to be working with/for in your job interview, so to speak. Especially someone carrying an AK-47.

    Never bring a lighted torch to a crystal meth lab, or so the saying goes.


  11. Ernest Greene says:

    You gotta love this business. Where else can you be simultaneously dissed by the people supposedly working with you and those supposedly working against you?

    Well, what with my ink and my shotgun and all, I guess I’ll just have to stick around and ride it out.


    • Ren says:

      She really did amuse me.

      • Ernest Greene says:

        I certainly know the type. Worse, I’ve actually gone ahead and hired them anyway from time to time. Then, halfway through their really lame, histrionic, totally fake scenes, I’ve turned to my P.M. and said “That one is never to be on the call sheet again.”

        I have no regrets about who I didn’t work with, only about who I did.

  12. Deb Sens says:

    @ Ren whoa sounds like a very immature person! I would much rather hang out with truck, gun and alchol loving peeps then stuck up assholes!

    @I lovecarcrashes…errr with a name like that I don’t think you should be even commenting on anything.

  13. Lucy says:

    I’m proud to be from West Virginia. This self-loathing some people from West Virginia have really bugs me. What’s so wrong with being from West Virginia (other than people from other states who seem to have fallen asleep in Geography and don’t know it’s not western Virginia)? Since I don’t have the accent (which is kind of annoying, actually, even if it helps because of anti-Southern/Appalachian bias), I’ve heard all the jokes and they say a lot more about the people who think they’re funny than they do about West Virgnians. Anyway, sorry to kind of threadjack, but the shame people feel about being from West Virginia bothers me. I know it’s because of the way non-West Virginians degrade us and consider us as lessers, and I try to keep that in mind. But still. There’s nothing wrong with being from West Virginia.

    • Ren says:

      Lucy: For the Record, I love West VA and go there often 🙂

    • rootietoot says:

      My husband’s family is from the Clarksburg/Morgantown region of WV, and it is beautiful. The people are people…like anywhere. They’re good folk and bad folk. Some of them fit that stereotpye (some that do are Terry’s kinfolk) and some absolutely don’t. I love going to visit them, because they are warm and full of surprises. Such as, Jeff, the cousin’s husband, a Man’s Man, firefighter, hunter, handyman/carpenter, Masculine Eyecandy Extraordinaire, makes the best wild raspberry cobbler IN The World…with raspberries he picked. Thanks for reminding me of that 🙂

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