A Slice O’ Funny

Posted: February 20, 2010 in The Funny

So, I am chillin’ and I ended up having a chat on line with a friend who I’ve not seen in awhile and it proved to be highly amusing.  This gal is a GOTH.  Of the Old School  (er, late 80’s early 90’s anyway), and has been GOTHER THAN FUCK since she was like 14.  She cracks me up, I like her, but she does take her GOTHINESS VRY SRUSLY.    So, she was asking me if I had heard of this new band, blah blah blah….and I was like “er, no.”

Now, In the back of my head I am thinking to myself the  following…. “Woman, you are 37.  Is it not time to put away the whiteface and black eyeliner and big  hair and fishnet and….”  I realize, as I look at my blast goggles and shit kickers and camo that I am a HUGE FUCKING HYPROCRITE…at least sorta….cause well, she still dresses like that every day and all, but still….I mentally STFU on that one because, well, yeah… but she is still going on about this band and says….

“Well, you were always more of a Raver anyway…”

Wait.  Hold up.  Stop.  A Raver???  Woman, who bought you YOUR first Cure album???    And she kinda does the “sigh, fine, you’re one of those CyberGoth people….but their just Ravers in Black…”

It degenerated into The Funny after that….her going on about how all cyber goths are all either really tall or really short, look like bad extras from “Mad Max”, do way too many drugs, are just plain mean,  and have musical taste that counts as factory noise.  So I go off (all in fun) about old goths shouldn’t actually exist because if they were REALLLY HARDCORE they would just actually KILL themselves and get it over with, so she comes back with this story about some cyber goth dude she saw who had boots so big and heavy he literally bailed on the dance floor, so I came back with the story about the old, pretentious goth dude who tried to knock my baddass cybergoth self down on a dance floor and ended up getting shoulder-checked into the cheap seats…and he DESERVED it for fucking with me while MINISTRY was playing….she asks if I am still like 4’3″ with nothing but shoulders and a ribcage and I tell her, nah, I bought a SYNTHETIC rack bigger than hers and have nice, thick glossy  black hair she would self harm for, and she is like “you people look like you’re going to WAR, not to a CLUB,”  and I tell her, well, yeah, but in DC tactical gear is safer to wear at night out on the streets than spiderweb lace….and holds up better too, and she asks (in full snark mode) how one keeps LED’s in their hair extensions when hyped up on speed and in a fist fight and I tell her it is no harder than keeping ones eyeliner from running or garter belt snapped when puking their guts out after too much Vodka and Peter Murphy….

Oh god we were both LOL’ing at this point.     And it’s mostly funny because so much of it is…well, based in truth.  I have noted as a person of the cybergoth persuasion that when at a goth club, unless the goths are people WHO WORK THERE….they don’t much like you.  You get that smug, superior Goth Hairy Eyeball.  Yet, at the same time, no one will tell a Cyber Goth they cannot go wherever the  fuck they want and yes, even on Goth Territory, they Do Tend to Act like Super King Big Nuts….  (I am horribly guilty of this).  I mean, goths tend to be more “intellectual” and delicate and pretty and, well, Vampire adoring bleak sorts….whereas Cyber Goths tend to be more physical, buffer and louder and more aggressive Blade Runner sorts.  Both can be righteous snobs.  A Goth will (in bleak and loving detail) talk about wanting to hurt someone….a cyber goth will often just grin and do it.   And she is finally like  “You guys, you are just NOT Goths!”

And I say “We’re goths who believe in the FUTURE, with Robotic PARTS!”

And she says “SEE?  Real Goths know there IS NO FUTURE!”

I laughed my ass off. 

I then promised to never buy her goggles if she never bought me a black lacy/velvet Medieval Dress.


  1. sneeky bunny says:

    Oh my god that made me laugh! It’s all so true! My favorite club in Seattle is so often a hotbed of this sort of thing. The djs are losing sleep and their hair trying to keep both camps happy and no matter what they do, some one is always on line at 3am complaining how much the music sucked. And yet they keep coming back. Myself, the first thing I do, when I hit the door, is run right up and request some Underworld, gauranteeing at least 8 and a half minutes of floor time.

  2. Gaina says:

    LOL that made me laugh. I miss having a friend that I can ‘play-fight’ with like that.

    • Ren says:

      oh gads, t his gal and I went to highschool together…the funny thing is she is. i kid you not… 6’3′.

      but sooooo could not kick my ass because she is a GOTH lol

  3. There’s still a rave subculture?

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