What, were you raised in a barn?!

Posted: February 4, 2010 in Humans, Personal

My life has been weird here lately- no question.  Situations have come about that have forced me to make some really tough decisions- and I mean really tough- as well as look at myself in ways that most people do not tend to like to look at themselves and see some things that I knew were there but hell, I really don’t like to spend a whole hell of a lot of time looking at them.

Sigh.  I am one of the most poorly socialized human beings on the face of the planet.  I pretty much know a whole three ways to deal with other human beings:  by being brutal and blunt and caustic, by making a joke, or violently/by intimidating the shit out of them.  Or, oh wait, I fuck them.  In all different sorts of ways- physical and otherwise.  Sure, I can be articulate or savvy or whatever else when I have a plan and know what the hell I am doing, but just out there in the world where life and all other kinds of shit happens on the fly or unexpectedly or twists and turns in strange ways where, you know, humans are?  Or in situations where I am way out of my element?  Uh huh.  I have no fucking clue what I am doing and generally end up going with one of the four above-mentioned methods.  Which hey, sometimes it works, but when dealing with folk you actually give a rat’s ass about?  Not so good.  At all. 

And the truth of it is, I have no fucking clue how to deal with people.  I can observe how they work and what they do and all, even get an insight to them, but deal with them…like millions of humans deal with each other every day?  Uh…yeah…I suck at that big time.  And in times of stress, when my mind is going a million miles and hour, when I can’t sleep and eating makes me vomit, and things of that nature…I’m even worse.  I’ll think twenty different things are brilliant ideas and the way shit should be in the course of days, then something I hadn’t counted on or factored in will hit me square in the face in a terribly shaking manner and things will change. Gravely and defiantly.  And everything I will have already said will be inaccurate or wrong or shaken up and….  Well.  It sucks.  And I suck at then speaking on it other than in the most basic of terms.  And I suck at dealing with whoever has been caught in the fallout. Ugh…if I can’t call it out, laugh at it, punch it, or fuck it…. I pretty much am completely out of my element.  Big time.  And make no mistake- this is a character FLAW. 

Also, for as much as I can be the life o’ the party in, er, those settings or dominate a conversation if I want to, when it comes to humans who I am close to…. I get annoyingly stoic.  Better listener than talker.   Generally because I have no idea what to say.  I sorta talked about that once before but yeah…. it can make life real complicated. 

I think part of the reason I love writing fiction and playing video games so much is because well, when I write, those people always know what to say or how to handle shit.  Same goes with games.  Or…they can just punch it.   No actual real humans involved.

Real humans and me?  We have issues.

  1. dead_Vladimir says:

    let you in on a secret, those real humans you have toruble dealing iwth, whether they admit it or not , they all in their own way hve toruble dealing with each other too

  2. Gaina says:

    I think I can relate to this in some ways because I tend to put myself into social situations (reluctantly and with much initial anxiety) but will do my best to avoid connecting with people so that I don’t get the disappointed of them eventually bailing out or fucking me over.

    Sometimes I think I am slightly autistic because I just don’t understand people to the point that being around them makes me anxious. Humans utterly baffle me but I totally relate to animals and their simplicity.

    I am a person of odd extremes. Whilst I’m very reluctant to connect to new humans as I explained above, I know I can be charming and friendly and if I someone does get past the armor and I make a friend of them, that’s it – you’ve got me for life and there’s nothing I won’t do for you (unless you fuck me over of course). These are the very few people I trust enough show my softer side to.

    I like being sweet, and gentle and all that good stuff – it makes me happy to be like that and just relax with people – but that fear of being let down is always in the back of my mind. Animals never let you down, they just love you for who you are and I guess that’s why I’d rather spend time with them than humans.

    • Ren says:

      i get that whole waiting for the getting fucked over thing big time.

    • Eli says:

      I can relate to that a lot. I’d love to love people if they’d only let me, so to speak. But I’m reluctant to relax too quickly, because once I trust someone I can be way too trusting… Unfortunately it seems that because I don’t appear very “sociable” at first glance, I seem to attract a lot of people who aren’t all that interested in close friendships.

  3. rootietoot says:

    I’m like Gaina, I guess. It’s easier to smile and be sweet and wait for the anvil to fall on my head (because is usually does) than to make the attempt at real relationships.

    Once in a while someone real will come along, and that’s a gift to be cherished. The hard part is recognizing them amongst all the anvils.

  4. Ernest Greene says:

    “I am one of the most poorly socialized human beings on the face of the planet.”

    I can’t imagine any worthwhile person not having thought this at one time or another. I know I have, and I get a lot of compliments on how smoothly I deal with people. I guess if they don’t know I’m winging it, I must be doing something right, but I have no clue what that is.

  5. Roy Kay says:

    Man, coming in here feels like I got lost someplace.

    1) I love being in almost any social environment.

    2) I pretty much expect these to be genuinely friendly.

    3) I pretty much expect these to be generally respectful.

    Then again, I used to be (1968) an 11th Commandment Republican that enjoyed going to SDS meetings – which drove both my GOP, pro-Nixon friends and radical anarchist friends nuts. Ah the joys of being a Libertarian when Fusion pretended to be in flower.

    In my experience, the people I know tend to be an easily enough understood mix of freed and generosity. I expect them to watch out for themselves first, but after that I expect them to have general good will and render good offices to those they come to know. I am usually correct here. Speaking of fucking people, I and other Poly minded people, often tend to slut ourselves into relationships. I mean you have this great fuck right there. Maybe they are capable of offering wit and care in the mix – they often do.

    When I am disappointed it is usually by those who fancy themselves marvelously adroit politicians – e.g. people who read “Winning By Intimidation” and make that the Bible of their religion. Some of these I would cheerfully kill, and others I would be happy to humiliate (and not in a fun way). I have little tolerance for those who dump on my friends and are impervious to my cajolery to stop it, and then make equitable recompense. But as I said there are not many of these.

    Still for all of Ren’s vaunted hostility, I usually see considerable respect given to a fair number of people. Perhaps this is indicative that Ren values respect above love. I do not see so much affection given, but there have been enough battles – with Ren clearly in the right – that I am not surprised to see the reservoir of good will drawn down. I just hope there are some still capable of replenishing it.

  6. People are hard work to figure out.

    Any social occasion I need to have a lot of energy going in and I need to be able to take breaks from the gathered throng at regular intervals, because otherwise my brain just melts down – I genuinely start to freak out.

    Like Ernest Greene above, most of the time I’m faking it, smiling, being affable and friendly, and hopefully looking relaxed – when all the time underneath I’m frantically hoping not to fuck up anything. And to get to the point where I could fake it that well has taken about half my 32 years of life (and the period before that I won’t even discuss in online spaces…) That said, it seems that I now fake it so well that some of my friends turn to me for social/relationship advice, which is just crazy.

    Oddly enough, I find it a lot easier to hang with people who are just as baffled and fraught when it comes to human interactions as I am – maybe because we all keep it on a simpler level in the first place?

    (It’s actually one reason why I like BDSM – so much simpler to figure out a relationship if you’ve got that kind of structure there already! If I’ve followed your remarks rightly over the years, there’s a similar thing going on in the way you do fucking, too, Ren, yes?)

  7. Rorshack says:

    I completely concur, Ren. I am an odd anti-social…I crave the company of other anti-socials. “They” don’t get it…they assign reasons to our actions that fit their limited views of the world…never once coming close to why we do/act/say things the way we do…

  8. rootietoot says:

    It’s been my experience that the people who can admit they’re poorly socialized are far easier to relate to (get along with, whatever) than the ones who believe themselves to be civilized or well socialised. There’s nothing like being able to recognize your own shortcomings (if you want to call them that…I’m not sure they’re shortcomings at all) to allow you to see and forgive other people who also recognize their own. It’s the ones who think they’ve got this life thing all sewn up that make me nervous, not the ones who aren’t sure how to behave.

  9. santasecreto says:

    I admire your ability to self-reflect. But FWIW, a friend of mine (who is not exactly on the same side as you are politically) met you in person. She found you to be respectful, intelligent, and honest. Which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for people who she agrees with politically.

    • Ren says:

      oh, i can be polite, that’s not really too hard…

      and I am scary brutal honest, which usually is a good thing, but people aren;t used to people who don’t lie…

      glad I didn’t scare her though!

  10. Lisa KS says:

    “My life has been weird here lately- no question. Situations have come about that have forced me to make some really tough decisions- and I mean really tough- as well as look at myself in ways that most people do not tend to like to look at themselves and see some things that I knew were there but hell, I really don’t like to spend a whole hell of a lot of time looking at them.”

    OMG, me too.

  11. Lisa KS says:

    I’m just saying {{{hugzzzz}}} before I read the comments. And I hope your hair didn’t fall out from stress like mine did. I didn’t even know that was POSSIBLE before recent times. 🙂

  12. Lisa KS says:

    I attract people who are broken in some internal way. I think part of it is that I’ve been raising children all my life–my sister was born when I was 10, then I became a mom at age 19–it’s like I ooze maternal pheromones that wounded people can somehow smell. I also attract men who want to dominate me, which I’m not sure what to blame on and I have spent a lot of time and energy convincing myself that yes, I am specifically attracting these guys rather than it being the case that that is simply what the vast majority of men are like heterosexual romantic relationships.

    I’m workin’ on this stuff. 🙂

  13. Lisa KS says:

    I had a chance to meet Ren in person last year! But I was too shy to go up and say hi. Dammit. 🙂 She was a great speaker to the crowd, though–very articulate, thoughtful and doesn’t come over at ALL like an antisocial misanthropist. 😀

  14. Stone Fox says:

    People like me, who are freaking out in their own heads in social situations are usually seen as quiet, polite, and good listeners. It’s because we’re all so worried that something stupid is going to leap out of our mouths that it’s just easiest to Mm-hmm our way through a conversation.

    I kind of think you’re copping out, Ren. I may be speaking out of turn, having never met you, but from what I’ve read here I think you’ve done and seen enough to have a deep understanding that people are not black or white; people are complicated, varying shades of grey. It IS easy to throw your hands up and say, “I just don’t fucking understand you people,” and separate yourself like some lone wolf. Most people probably never have and never will understand you, Ren. You ARE different. It’s a GOOD thing. I don’t know where you got this cold, clinical, statistical view of humans, but it seems like that is your comfort zone and you ain’t leavin the comfort zone.

    You get to a certain point in your life where you just realize that even if people fuck you over or act weird or try to work out on you for their own enjoyment, this is and always will be true: They can’t break you down. I think the hard part of having that truth is the willingness to open yourself up knowing that you may get stomped on. You might get your heart kicked all over, but you *know* eventually you will right yourself, without having to resort to fucking or fighting. You’re real good at pointing out what you suck at, so why do you still suck at it?

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