Archive for February, 2010

“Chemical Halo”- by Chem Lab

Chemical halo burning bright
In a sodium haze,
All meaning is lost,
But this confusion remains.
I’m going to tear myself apart
If i can’t get myself together,
And spread my pieces around like waste
And give my gift of stormy weather.
Every time i move i feel like something’s broken.
Every time i laugh i feel like maybe i’m choking.
I know you’d laugh too,
But it’s not the funny anymore.

I kissed the floor on my way down,
A match head burning out on the frozen ground.

I just want to thank every one of you
For all the things that you don’t do,
For the stab in the back
For the kick in the face
For the pain in the neck
And all the shame and disgrace
For the spit in the eye
And all the things you say,
And all the head games you play.

For the agony and the parody
For the pain infliction and drug addiction,
You give them so much strength
When you show you’re weak,
Please don’t rattle your chains
It’s better when you’re meek.
Here comes another bad trip
Another life of no sleep
Another storm in the dark.
With the sky pouring down
Every creature will drown.
This time there will be no noah’s arc!
“see you in hell!”

In Remeberance…

Posted: February 28, 2010 in Personal

Last week, a friend of mine died.  He was 35,and dropped of  a massive coronary.

Even for a nihilist, that is too young. 

He helped me (as a jew) coin the phrase “jews invented guilt, catholics perfected it”

Tonight was our send off to him.

It was emotional, but fun, which is what I think he would have wanted.  He would have LAUGHED at watching a dude we both know stuck between two ex- GF’s.  He would have LAUGHED at me being the only girl on and knocking a 6’3 inch goth over on the dance floor to “so what”.  He would have loved the toasts, the tears, the grins, the people who have not seen each other in years coming out and talking.   I do not believe in an after life…but if he were there, I think he would have grinned.

These things?  They count.

Who have never made any.

Something different here this time- here we have an Anti Porn Feminist (who has probably never worked in porn) and an MRA (who has probably never worked in porn) going at it about the eternal subject (porn), as if, you know, they know what the hell they are talking about. 

I want to say a few things real quick before I move on here though.  One, false statements have been made- in the APF missive, it is stated that all women in the industry have agents.  This is not true.  There are a ton of freelancers out there who act as their own agents, managers, accountants, so on  (exhibit A, raises hand).  Second, work in pornography is JUST as (if not more so) physically demanding , “dangerous” (wrt to STD’s and such) and taxing for men as it is for women, and they are generally paid far less for their work  (seriously, consider this required reading on the subject) .  It is true they do not have as high of a turn over rate and are less subject to appearance based guidelines however.    And as always, a few peeves.  One, the worship of Robert Jensen as a god amid men.  I’ve met and debated the dude and I thought he was a rude, imperious, dismissive jerk.  Two, the thought that porn is supposed to be “nice” and is oh so unique when it comes to people doing it because they do not have other choices.  Three, the once again poster-girling of Laura Roxx-and acting as if her story (which is horrible) is common-place when it is anything but.  Need I remind anyone that the rate of aids transmission between the General Population of Non- Porn People is FAR higher than it is AMID porn people?  Don’t believe me?  Come to Washington DC…  but yet, I am also irked by MRA’s dudes assumption that all women in porn choose to be there, or that making a choice when there really are no other real choices counts as a choice at all…because that is Bullshit.  Oh yeah, and this whole “porn says the truth about men and nothing about women?”  Well, you know me and universals wrt to THAT subject…  OH OH, and need I remind anyone  that Max Hardcore was tried, convicted, and is No Longer Making Porn…at all?  I guess so.    And I got yer empowerment right here

But be all that as it may…you know what (once again, now and forever, eternally) irks me about ALL this?  People who have never done porn talking about it, quoting experts who have never done it, speaking about how it is for those who do work in porn, and all that other shit that basically falls into the typical file.  You know who the REAL experts in porn are???

That’s right- the men and women involved in the Porn Industry.  That’s who.  They know FAR better how it is and how it works and what goes on than ANY armchair observer…but of course their opinions mean squat (more on that shit later, no doubt).  And that, well, y’all, that fuckin’ pisses me off.  I mean shit, I have no idea what it is like to perform open heart surgery because oddly enough, I’ve never done it!  I can have an opinion on it, sure, but I am no damn expert.  Hell, I even recognize not all open heart surgeries and surgeons are the same, imagine that shit?  However, I am no expert on the subject in any way.

Same  goes for porn and so called experts on it.  You can have an opinion, sure…but is it more valid than that of those in the business?  Fuck No.  And it never will be…whatever side of the debate you are on.

Cleared for take off

Posted: February 27, 2010 in Personal

So, I spent the majority of the day running all over the northern part of the state getting all the forms and whatnot that I needed done for my surgery  (8am, March 11th…first human baked potato to be carved of the day!  Woohoo!)…  I got everything straight with the insurance, got my blood work done and my physical (surpise, I am healthy as hell, especially for a struggling to be ex-smoker), I got my EKG  (did you know it takes longer for them to actually put on all those little electrodes than it does to do the EKG itself???) I did all the pre-op paperwork (man am I tired of writing my full legal name!) and then, finally, I got to eat!  Fasting for blood work when your blood work is not until 3:30 pm is a pain in the sad empty stomach.

In any event, it seems that I am cleared for take off!


As some of you may know, yesterday, The Canadian Women’s Hockey team beat the USA for gold.

And then those brazen hussies had the NERVE to…celebrate…

Canadians.  Celebrating.  A Gold Medal….in HOCKEY!  How DARE THEY?  How dare these women drink some booze and party up a bit (in the rink, after everyone left), how dare they cut loose and have some fun after winning Gold Medals in the Religion of Canada!!!!!


What a load of horse shit.  Sexist Horseshit no less. 

I, for one, do not think for a second that if it had been the Canadian Men’s Team having a private On Ice Kegger after winning Olympic Gold people would be so damn flustered.  I also think that anyone who harshes on an Olympic athlete for Having Some Fun after competing is a moron.  MORON!  Good gods, these people WORK HARD and stress out to be as good as they are, the deserve to cut loose and have some fun.  None of these women were out starting a bar fight, or behind the wheel, or scaring uptight people…they were having a deserved victory celebration.  That is NO Big Deal….and I really do not think that it would be such a huge scandal if this had been ANY men’s team doing the same thing.

What, are we  supposed to believe that Hockey Players do not like Beer and Gold Medals,  or if they happen to be women hockey players, they sure as hell shouldn’t?


All I gotta say is this:  Congrats, Team Canada, you played well and won…and oh yeah….CHEERS!

As many of you may have well noticed, the over all mood of my blogging has changed a lot since I moved.  I don’t write so much about sex work, or sex workers, or how being involved in any or all of that boils down on the proverbial brow anymore.  I took a huge and deliberate step back from all that when I sacked the old empire and moved over here because the whole ball of wax?  The defending and the fighting and the bullshit and the lies and all that other crap had just become way too ugly for me…and I generally sort of like ugly, I generally sort of see conflict as a necessary component of human life, growth and development.  But it had, in oh so many ways, simply become too much.  I needed to get the hell away.  So I did.

My status as a sex worker, and even an activist, has changed as well.  I’m only involved in one aspect of the biz these days, and that would be porn.  It’s always been my favorite, and what I most enjoyed doing- so I continue to do so.  I’ve not been to a sex workers event or even a sex worker friendly event in quite some time.  It’s not that those things are no longer important- to me or in the big picture- but once again, I needed to step away.  I needed some time away because the hard cold truth of it all is I was starting to feel used.  Over worked and under appreciated.  Sure enough, everything I ever said or did I said or did because I wanted to, because I thought it to be important, because I thought maybe, just maybe, change might happen.  As it stands, I am still owed money I never expect to see for engagements I was asked to, writings I have done, and things of that nature.  And that is not even what pisses me off…or not even pisses me off, but left me feeling so tired.  What got to me, what beat me down, aside from all the fighting and bullshit, was feeling like I ended up being the in case of emergency break glass heavy hitter – the thing people talked long and hard about including and informing and only did so when they wanted blood spilled.   The thing that was let off the leash to cause mayhem but when, and only when, it was decided mayhem was in order.  All sorts of ground level work was all done and decided before my proverbial phone ever rang.  Don’t get me wrong, I do love me some mayhem from time to time, but there is a hell of a lot more to me than that…

And you know, that rubbed me the wrong way.  I have also noted, since I sacked the Empire and Set up in this dive- a great many people who loved to break the glass and set me loose on…whatever…. well, they are gone now.  Others are still around, folk like Jill, Hexy,  Aspasia & Ernest…folk I knew and figured were solid.  Others?  Not so much.  Which says a lot- mostly about how I was right.  You know, I hate being right about that kind of shit, but oddly enough to date?  Well, rarely am I proven wrong.   So much of the world, including those that would generally fall into the associates and allies section, really are all about “what have you done for me lately”…

Which is why I am, though I am certainly feelin’ it , hesitant to write a rant about sex work and sex workers.  Sure, it is shit I certainly think needs to be said, but even though I am absolutely locked and loaded to rant on, part of me…that jaded nihilistic cynical part…is like “why the fuck bother?  Go on back to your other shit, write about Ivan and Jax, write about the Scary Southerners, write about CoX and Cyber Goth and hell, even work- those things that you enjoy- but don’t bother jumping back into that fuckin’ snakes nest.  It ain’t worth it. 

I kinda hate that feeling, you know?


So, we shall begin with a bit of background.  I, er, had some work to do on Saturday.  The film kind.  As I am about to have surgery, I am trying to get shit done before that happens, and that includes work related shit.  So myself and my Partner in WebSite crime (henceforth referred to as PWSC) did some work on Saturday and were attempting to squeeze in as much other work as possible before surgery time. 

Now, as it happens, when doing this sort of thing, one often has to Hire Other Performers.  Such is the nature of the business.  So on Tuesday PWSC gives me a ring in the mornin’ and says he has some people he would like to book, but since I am his partner and all as well as main performer, well, he wants me to okay them first and would I mind being in on a conference call.  I hate phones.  Hate them.  However, this is bid’ness so, okay.  So he sets it all up and the call is in progress and me, him, and this gal who he was thinking of booking are on the phone.  I have done all of say hello at this point, but I am listening whilst the two of them are discussing.   Now, he is talking about the scene he wants to hire her for.  I do not do much in the way of girl on girl (as in, no thanks bellow the waist unless-devices are used- by me), but I will do scenes where there is another girl IN them.  At this point, I have already determined Other Porn Girl on the Phone is a snot ass thinks she is better than everyone Diva who is all of, oh, 25 or so.  And why yes, I have seen her photos, and while cute and decidedly girl next store All-American looking, she is not the hottest thing on the planet but damn if she isn’t talking like she is.   Now, half of me wants to get really hostile at this point…it’s like “come on, kid, if you suck and fuck on film Just Like The Rest of us Gals in this business, you have to realize that trying to act like you deserve an Academy Award and your own private make up crew and cases of special bottled water and all you are so damn special is stretching it a bit, esp. if you are pondering booking with Outlaws like us and are not out workin’ for Vivid in Cali or something”….  I resist this urge.   But it is like Come on You Pretentious Bitch, You are In Porn, Just like US, the only ass-kissin’ around here gets done on film! 

 Anyway…. I already don’t like her.

 But have said nothing.  Aside from “Hello”.

 So, as she is annoying the fuck outta me with her arrogance, PWSC is trying to be very polite (if he has a fatal flaw it is that he is toooo fuckin’ nice), and explaining the basic idea for the scene, and suddenly she cuts him off and says “Well, who is the other girl?”

 He says, “Well, it will probably be Ren.”

 At which point (either not caring or apparently forgetting that I am also on the phone), Diva goes off with the following rant:

“God I hope she is not local!  All the local girls here are like these horrible, tattooed, chain smoking stupid red-neck sluts with fake boobs, ugly trucks and guns!”

 I crack the fuck up.  Literally, like start laughing on the phone.  At which point PWSC  is like “oh hell…”

 I actually speak at this point, long enough to say I have no truck and ask her where her degrees are from…and point out that she is actually a bleached blonde, whereas I am not.   She gets all huffy.  I press her about the degree thing- not because I actually care, but because she has done pissed me the fuck off.  I also then remind her when one makes money fucking on film it is not real slick or even remotely intelligent to call other women who do the same thing sluts.  And, I add, I am really more of a hick.

 PWSC actually laughs at this point.    She calls me a choice name or two…ones that mostly have to do with being white, less than wealthy,  and, well…figure it out. 

 PWSC finally gets shit under control and says “Well, do you want to shoot a scene or not”..

 And Diva says “Well, I could use the money…”

 I laugh again.  At which point I notice that in this whole conversation…. what with her hate on for tattooed chain smoking fake boob having gun owning redneck sluts…I am the only one on the phone without a notable Southern Accent????

 I ask her where she is from.  She answers Philly…I say NO, where are you FROM…

 (Answer…West Va.  Do I sense some self-loathing here maybe??)

 Anyway, I then inform everyone involved as co-fiend on this here venture, the only scene I would pay her to do with us is one that involves me, her, my strap on, and Hell.  Then I hung up.

 Diva won’t be working with us.

Okay, study this map  (there will be no quiz later, but yes, it will come into play…)

Click to enlarge if needed, but the pink  indicates places within the US I have lived for, oh, more than 6 months.  You may, aside from one wayward state there, note a theme amid those places, and if you have ever lived in the state that seems wayward, you will know that, in fact, that wayward state is not so wayward.  As an officer of the law from said state once said unto Ernest after a bar brawl  “Well son, a bunch of people who really didn’t need a reason went and got drunk”…  Oh, and America’s Wang there?  I did not live in the Southern Half of it. 

So yes, note the pink.  Part II will come after I have stopped laughing and composed my thoughts a bit more on the matter.  I do warn however that nasty sarcasm and such might be flowing like cheap whiskey at a Road House….

Medical Pregame Show…

Posted: February 23, 2010 in Personal

Okay, yah, so 3/11 is – should all go well- knife in neck day.  Prior to that, however, say, oh, Friday, is the filing of the flight plan and all that as it were.  I go to my regular doc for blood work, the EKG, all that good stuff that says  “Ok, she’s HEALTHY….CUT HER OPEN!” Then I go to the neck doc to sign all the forms that say why yes, I know what she is doing, and why yes I realize that since I am being put under I may not wake up, why yes, I realize that this may not turn out as great as we all hope, blah blah blah.    And the joy here is….this is one of possibly more than one surgery.  Gah.  Oh, and because it is my neck, and you know, that is a hard place on your body NOT to move, after the surgery, I am prolly gonna have to wear one of those whip-lash collars until the stitches come out.  Grrrrr.  Oh!  OH YEAH!  AND, chances are….post surgery…I will need more shots!  So YES, round TWO of magic stabby game!

This is one of those things where I thank all that is sane or holy that I have a sense of humor.  For real.  I am hoping (perhaps unrealistically) that all of this is said and done…I mean all of it….by July of 2010….you know, like the official 2 year aniversary of the actual burn. 

In other news…well, in my attempt to stop smoking I am down from about a pack and a half a day to about a pack every three days, so at least it is progress.


Posted: February 22, 2010 in Pain

First, for humor value…Ren as GOTH, and not goggled camo CYBER GOTH!

Dude, check it, I am GOTH AS HELL!!!!

oh, and the necklace?


(what would Wolf Ram&Heart Do?) If you get it, you ROCK!!!

Actually, I am SOOO not pale enough….

In any event…I am ill, I have a 101 fever, I have a goddamn stress/sinus migraine  ( a new one for me)….

AND…they are cutting my neck open for surgery (one of one to three) on March 11th.  Now, sure, I realize I cannot die, but this still wigs me out a bit  (scalpel IN my neck…WTF?!?!)

Send me good mojo on 3/11…if you cannot do that, I really DO want an AK47….