Life Moments and Wisdom from Vladimir

Posted: October 12, 2009 in The Funny

Okay y’all, with permission and all that good stuff I am posting a bit of life wisdom/lessons learned kinda writing from my bud Vladimir.  I have no doubt it will leave several of the women folk around these parts grinning, nodding and thinking “uh huh, and we do that all the time.”  It’s also one of those things I really do think is just too good not to share, and why yes, Vladimir totally cracks me up and has a writing style I just dig.  Enjoy~  Ren

Why Insomnia is a Bad Thing-

So I slept a little bit earlier this evening but as you could tell from my emails I have mostly been up and wired.

 And it is at those moments in the dark as you lie there that the strangest thoughts creep into your head.

You know the dark and scary ones, like what if this life is all there is, or will anyone ever love me, or what would I look like without any body hair.

Yes indeed. And you need to keep these thoughts out because that way lies madness and despair.

Alas I failed tonight.

You see I once purchased in a fit of insanity a device called the Norelco body groomer. Luckily wisdom took hold after and it sat unused in its box unopened, though perhaps a strange parsimonious streak in me kept me from throwing the devilish device away, perhaps a latent gene to prehistoric mammalian ancestor akin to the pack rat.

So tonight, as I lay in bed, not sleeping, the thought occurred to me that such a device existed to be used. It was as if I could hear a subtle siren song coming from the shelf in my closet where it languished.

As you my faithful readers know, I have the willpower of a marshmallow so I could not resist.

So I spent an hour, contorting in a shower, discovering while nearly breaking my neck that there are places on the human body that no matter what one does one can not reach themselves. And what was my reward for spending time becoming intimate with parts of myself that one should not really be intimate with alone? A sleek smooth body like that of an Olympic swimmer? NO!

I am a stubbly wreck, suffering hypothermia from being in the shower so long, itchy and disgusted, and have razor burn in places where neither the word razor nor the adjective burn should ever be used.


 I have a lot more respect for women and their hygiene rituals now though. You’re more man than I am.

  1. rootietoot says:

    Bless his heart. I am imagining a body all clean and hairless except for that unreachable strip down the middle of one’s back.

  2. Erik says:

    I own something similar, felicitously called the “Mangroomer.” It was given me by my partner. One of those gifts, like an etiquette book or a case of deodorant, that make one anxious about oneself. I have never done the sort of damage that Vlad the Self-Impaler describes, but his pelt may be thicker than mine. I have also never deployed my device in the shower — that sounds like an electrocution waiting to happen. Please pass along my sympathy and my cautionary note to Vladimir.

    • Vladimir says:

      totally shower safe or so the box claimed
      but then it also claimed a lot of other tihngs on the box I know now to be less than accurate

  3. Gaina says:

    Haha. You know when you read something and it just makes you giggle non-stop for a very long time….then you forget about it until a few hours later when you remember it and start giggling again to find people staring at you and wondering what the hell you’ve been sniffing?

    Yep, that.

    Vladimir is a funny dude. Any chance of a blog link?

  4. Stone Fox says:

    as soon as you mentioned you were unable to sleep AND the idea of “i wonder what it would be like to have no body hair” i could see this was not going to end well. i’m so sorry that i laughed really hard at your misadventure. please keep your body hair. men are supposed to have body hair.

    • Vladimir says:

      well as you can tell by my strong ethnic screen name i am black Irish so none of my stories end well for me as a matter of genetics (with the exception of the streaking in the blizzard tale, but as we all know I’ve told that one so many times it has become boring and commonplace) and cultural pride.

  5. As someone else who has tried to de-hair myself, this was muchly amusing. I used the old-fashioned razor method, so not so much of the “razor burn” but unfortunately several instances of “I’m bleeding, argh!”

    One day I may try waxing. Did I ever mention, I have a masochistic streak?

    • rootietoot says:

      My husband is egregiously hairy…”sasquatch” even, I’ve decided if I don’t ask him to shave, he can’t ask me to. It’s only fair. The idea of sleeping next to someone who is a 6’4″ acreage of stubble is…hm…off-putting.

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