Okay y’all, with permission and all that good stuff I am posting a bit of life wisdom/lessons learned kinda writing from my bud Vladimir. I have no doubt it will leave several of the women folk around these parts grinning, nodding and thinking “uh huh, and we do that all the time.” It’s also one of those things I really do think is just too good not to share, and why yes, Vladimir totally cracks me up and has a writing style I just dig. Enjoy~ Ren
Why Insomnia is a Bad Thing-
So I slept a little bit earlier this evening but as you could tell from my emails I have mostly been up and wired.
And it is at those moments in the dark as you lie there that the strangest thoughts creep into your head.
You know the dark and scary ones, like what if this life is all there is, or will anyone ever love me, or what would I look like without any body hair.
Yes indeed. And you need to keep these thoughts out because that way lies madness and despair.
Alas I failed tonight.
You see I once purchased in a fit of insanity a device called the Norelco body groomer. Luckily wisdom took hold after and it sat unused in its box unopened, though perhaps a strange parsimonious streak in me kept me from throwing the devilish device away, perhaps a latent gene to prehistoric mammalian ancestor akin to the pack rat.
So tonight, as I lay in bed, not sleeping, the thought occurred to me that such a device existed to be used. It was as if I could hear a subtle siren song coming from the shelf in my closet where it languished.
As you my faithful readers know, I have the willpower of a marshmallow so I could not resist.
So I spent an hour, contorting in a shower, discovering while nearly breaking my neck that there are places on the human body that no matter what one does one can not reach themselves. And what was my reward for spending time becoming intimate with parts of myself that one should not really be intimate with alone? A sleek smooth body like that of an Olympic swimmer? NO!
I am a stubbly wreck, suffering hypothermia from being in the shower so long, itchy and disgusted, and have razor burn in places where neither the word razor nor the adjective burn should ever be used.
I have a lot more respect for women and their hygiene rituals now though. You’re more man than I am.